living with inlaw

My mother in inlaw who I live with are driving me up the wall and are constantly pushing by buttons. I don't know how she does it!!

anyone out there living with their inlaws and are happy. Please tell me your secret reciepe in dealing with it.

I agree. Getting married is the entire reason NOT to live with your parents or in-laws. You're not married to them, but to their son/daughter. Conflict will always arise when there are third parties in the relationship!


I suggest the same, get a better paying job, and get a new mortgage for your own home.

For the sake of your marriage, move out. If in-law is living under your roof, then have a chat with hubby and two of you decide what to do - ie rent her a flat near you and you can subsidise her expenses.

Dennyboy - guess I'm asking the wrong group of ppl. People in the west never have this problem. and you're right, I'm not an expat.

Alcheng - My husband is married to his mother so to say! deep responsibility stuff.

Philly cheese - I think divorce is a better solution, as there is no way my husband is kicking his mother out.

thanks anyway guys!

Sorry AKKY - that must be hell and I have a friend in the same situation and SHE IS Miserable....so sad when your hubby is married to his mum. Hope your situation improves...somehow..although I doubt it..

Ok AKKY, you obviously married a local HK guy.

They do have a reputation for being mummy's boys.


But divorce is drastic unless you have tried everything and sought some councelling.


You will never be able to be the lady of the house in that situation anyhow. So you are just an off-sider really.


I know HK people dont like paying rent, but if there is just two of you (or may be one young child) you could find somewhere to rent of about 450-600 sq ft which didnt break the bank.


Then tell him he can either come home for dinner or do to his parents' houseandn then come home later.


Surely he'd rather privacy with his wife anyhow.

Akky, I'm so sorry to hear this.


Maybe you could tell him that it'll be better for the relationship if two females do not live together.

get another flat that is located very near the in laws or move to a place with 2 adjacent flats - 1 for your family and 1 for the in law.

AKKY, don't worry if you're not an "expat"--people would have to be awfully narrow if this forum only hosted questions and comments by true "expats." There really isn't all that much pride in being an expat in HK, I think--if you read a lot of the message boards here, many (not all) of the foreigners in HK who pride themselves on being wealthy and independent have terrible marriages and their priorities totally in the wrong place (i.e. Their domestic helper raises their kids while they go off and do whatever they please...and what they please is often total suicide for their family and marriages). These same people will give inappropriate advice with a bitter attitude. Don't worry about them. :0)


Anyway, enough of that talk. It is hard to have to live with your inlaws and Chinese inlaws (especially the female ones) have a reputation for being overbearing, manipulative and crazy (of course, not always the case). If you are willing to fight for your marriage, you can still salvage it. You do have to give your husband and ultimatum--I do agree with Maxis' suggestion. For your own sanity and the health of your marriage and family, you do need to move out--even if it means living in a lower-standard place than what you are used to. If you give up on your marriage, it won't mean anything if you are living in a nicer place anyway. I really like this verse from Proverbs 17:1


"A dry crust eaten in peace is better than a great feast with strife." --basically it's better to only have a crusty old piece of bread than to have a big meal if you can have that in peace.


It is important to do whatever it takes to establish peace in your home--even if you have to "fight" a little to get there.


I have a little bit of experience as I am married to a local Chinese guy and for a time we lived with his parents. His parents are not super traditional so we didn't have the same problems you might be encountering--in general I get along well with his parents but we both knew that living with his parents was only a temporary situation--and that our family--the two of us (and now our infant son) take priority over them. It is really a question of priority--especially for your husband.


Dennyboy, I am an expat and I did live with my inlaws for a time when my husband and I moved back to Hong Kong. I know of one other expat couple who did the same--the husband is a lawyer and the wife is a chemist--they are not lazy, poor or stupid--but they did live with their inlaws in a transition time for about 6 months--as did we.


Alcheng, it's not always that simple--not all expats are able to just go out and "get a better job" and get a mortgage--especially considering the financial times we are living under.