Posted by
Lesman
18 yrs ago
I was in a 3 year relationship with a man. He had nothing when he came into my life except for the clothes on his back. I supported him, took care of him, gave him a place to stay and my car to drive,motivated him to get a job and encouraged him when he faced rejections. This went on for a year and a half till I was offered an overseas posting. I was seriously in debt from supporting him so I took the offer (after discussions with him of course)Things started looking up in the 2nd year when he got a job, a good one too. I was so happy for him. That happiness was shortlived, This year he cheats on me by picking up a woman in Orchard Towers in March-which i forgave him for then 3 weeks back he came to the conclusion that he loves me no more and doesnt want to have anything to do with me and if he does stay with me he will die... I was devastated and plunged rock bottom. Even after he said that I was still concerned about his welfare but he refuses to respond to calls or emails. I still hurt so bad inside that I cry myself to sleep everyday. I did everything I could for him and no matter how I look at it. I do not deserve this
Why do men do the things they do? Is there no decency left in this world?
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shaq
18 yrs ago
Sorry Lesman! I hope you heal very soon. But it's not all about men. Some women are worse, I tell you. Be strong and know that some people are just heartless.
Don't let this put you off men, for some are real darling and are prepared to go all the way.
One advise though, next time stand in love (don't just fall in love). That way, even if you help much but get dumped you feel you've done a right thing; you help a person to get on his feet. Walk with your chest out today and enjoy the beauty of it.
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Hi Lesman, my sympathy to you, I was in a similar situation as yours.. sometime it shocks you how a guy can turn out to be so heartless but I am a firm believer in "what goes around, comes around", focus on yourself and your own life and keep yourself as occupied as possible. all the best
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From the kindess of my heart, even after he said those hurtful things, I let him stay in my place till he gets one of his own. For 3 weeks he has made no effort at all to move out.
I cannot understand a person like this. He says things that pushed me so low, didnt cross his mind how I will fare after hurting me like this then still has the audacity to not move out
So I asked him to move out this week, he just nonchalantly sends me a "as a matter of fact" email that he will do it when it is convenient for him.
I am due to return home in 2 months from my overseas posting. In my heart I know he wanted to leave me before I returned and that hurts even more.
I try not to but I flipped through some of our conversation exchanges. How did someone so sweet turn to such a demon in a matter of afew months
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I am thinking about that maybe somthing happened to this man, but u do not know yet. Maybe he has experienced some big change deep into his heart..How about forgiving him and let him go? Some times, love is the only way could let you be calm and get back the peaceful world...You are so kind hearted and I believe you can do this...
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shaq
18 yrs ago
That is it, LESMAN; kick this guy out!!
Please don't let yourself to be undermined that much. Blessed is the MEEK, NOT the TIMID. If you're really pissed with this 'guy' and wanna do him away, be strong and kick his a** out.
What is eyesore is only so if the eyes see it. Kick him out and he won't be a nuisance around you any more.
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Lesman, i think the reason u come here to post is for "asking". That means that u need someone to give you some suggestion. That means, you are still uncertain, if u really should leave this guy and u really should move on. You are still fighting with yourself.
If you are so sure that this guy is bad, you will never ask any one any question, you will never come to "ask asiaxpat", right?
So, personally I think , stop fighting with yourself. Listen to your own heart. You still have your choice. To keep on forgiving him, love him, let him go. Or, to blame him in all your life.
The reason for all the above I noted is that, commonly, when People are hurted, they always want to do something in opposite way to prevent themselves from suffering this hurt again.
While, the harder they push themselves to do so, the harder, they could not get out of it.
So, the only way, is to let yourself have choice. the only way to calm down and get peaceful is to make yourself in a kind hearted and calm , and gracious manner...To be a lady that you really like. To respect yourself.
I believe that you are the respected lady.Who will finnally be the winner in love.(no matter who you have chosen, you will be very perfect and very worthy to be loved)
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Lesman, i would have to agree with Julia77, I had almost the same story as yours and my hubby met someone else and walked out on me with no advance notice. http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/relationships/threads/81903.asp
He took away stuff from our flat and I allowed him to do so even stuff belonged to me. Most of my friends told me to throw his stuff away but believe me, it made all easier to let go. Let him take his stuff then change your lock.
I didn't fight against him and in a few months time, he was dumped by his then girlfriend because she was after someone rich and a bit of fun. My hubby tried to come back to me but then I didn't want it anymore. We now stayed as friends and have had a much better relationship than when we were married.
I don't love my hubby anymore but am glad I was able to hold myslef up with grace.
It's painful and heartbreaking but you have to be strong and take charge of your life.
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Lesman, Im sorry to heard that. But I totally agreed what The 13th Apostle said, I believe everything happens for a reason. I remember when I broke up with my ex, it come suddenly and without any reason to me. Of course I was very hurt and upset. But time is keep going and I believe you can move on. Pls dont giveup, you met a wrong guy but it doesnt mean for all guys.
Hope you'll get better soon and take good care of yourself.
By the way, pls forgive my poor English and hope you'll understand what am I talking.
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Lesman, stop pushing yourself to do anything, just observe your heart. To look at yourself. You will get the answer, and never need others' suggestion anymore. Because, others suggestion only adapt to themselves, not you. Only you know what kind of lady you are.
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13th Apostle, it's not about being too kind or a saint. the fact that it takes much longer time to move on by dragging on the whole process and fighting along the way. This really is coming from my personal experience.
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There, I have done it.
Called the locksmith today, gave that "person" notice to pick up his things by tomorrow noon.To clear out all his belongings by that time else all items left behind will be disposed or destroyed.
Tomorrow noon the locks will be all changed and I will head back to my apartment to check the damage he left behind the day after. Will keep everyone posted
Say a little prayer for me to be strong and firm. Going home is hard when every corner of my apartment holds memories of him.
With him out of my life altogether will make it easier on my healing process.
I am scared to be alone:-(
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shaq
18 yrs ago
You'll be fine, my dear. After a terrible tsunami/rains, there will definitely be sunshine. There will be light at the end of the (long) tunnel.
If you make fear keep you in a bad relationship, you'll never find/be in a better one. There are real good men out there, my dear. After 'healing', get out there and you'll find what your heart desires. Caution though; take your present problem as an experience and be a discerning person next time round.
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momo, I really cannot bring myself to see him or be there. It has been 3 weeks and it still hurts remembering the words he said to me. It took me a full week before I could start eating again.
You know, I have always been a confident woman who knew exactly what I wanted in life. I have never put a man before my career, he was the first person that made me let my gaurd down. I guess alot of my pain stems from me feeling utterly used and behaving stupid for the past 3 years straight.
Honestly if he does take everything,fine, at least I got my life back.I hope.
Yeah, you are right, he is probably in Orchard Towers now living it up, telling the world what a good deal he got out of this farce of a relationship
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No you havent been, momo. You have been honest and strong which is exactly what I need to wake up!!
Everyone on this thread has been a big support group for me. My friends has abandoned me because I am not a "happy"person to hang around anymore.
Believe me, knowing there are people out there that I can spill my heart out to without judgement has been really good for my sanity.
I will keep everyone posted on how I fare after the lock out
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Dear All,
So, I have kicked him out.
When i got home to assess the damage in my apartment. He took my cats(my babies), cleared out my apartment, stole my writing desk and then some.... could you believe it, he even took my iron and my vacuum cleaner. I was so angry.
In any case, I flew out to BKK after that on impulse and actually had a absolute blast. Even though I still feel a tinge of pain when I am alone thinking of what happened... I am quite confident to say I am so over him!!!I will not take him back even if he begged!
I have declared yesterday as my"Independence Day" - independent and free from HIM.I celebrated the day with myself by buying myself a new Omega watch and going to a Spa as a treat. I do feel much better about myself now.
There is nothing wrong with me. I need not blame myself anymore for how this relationship turned out. And Yes, I definitely can move on!
Thank you everyone.
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Yes he is American.
Though I have suffered serious emotional and financial damage I am glad it has happened now instead of it happening years later when I have lost my looks and wasted my youth.
It took a good 3 -4 weeks of continous crying.
Believe me, I will never make that same mistake again
Thank heavens it is over with.
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I think you are lucky that he told you exactly what he wants instead of hanging you and making you wondering what is going on. We are all responsible person. It was you to choose to love him and choose the way you love him. It found out that he does not desert your love. Now, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself, love yourself. Do not get involve with a guy who cannot love you back anymore....otherwise, you really need to see a therapy because there are something about your childhood that make you behave this way- love a man who cannot give you love.
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What is the matter with women? Don't you ever watch "Judge Judy"? DO NOT LOAN $$$ to family of men...This is being written by a man from San Diego..Get smart ladies...
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Guys,
Latest Update, Saw the LOSER in MY favourite resturant with his new girlfriend that looks kinda like a horse. He took me to the side and asked me to take the cats back because his new girlfriend doesnt like cats too much.I said a simple NO. He took the cats to hurt me now he just has to deal with them himself
Everyone, I have moved on now, I have a new job now that is very challenging and it is out of Singapore so I will not have to bump into him ever again.
Now, I am not looking for a man to afford me (because very few can) but he has got to be able on a minimum afford himself
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Can you not read my message? I have moved on and I really do not see negativity in my message and I am definitely not depressed. However, I think a little anger is perfectly healthy.
QUALITY LEVEL? Believe me, My life cannot be better.
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We all tend to make the same mistakes some time or another be it with women or with men. A relationship is supposed to be a meeting of two equal individuals. More than often, it isnt equal and alot of times we meet as individuals but we end up becoming the one entity. As a couple more than often we share friends and as soon as the relationship falls apart we find ourselves so much alone. Getting back on my feet would have been so much easier if I still had a decent support group of friends (my ex hated my friends so during our relationship, I drifted away from them) . This has been a steep learning curve, I am holding on to my girlfriends from now on(whether the future beau likes them or not)I will have make the time for them. Not ever gonna make that same mistake again.
As for spending all that money on him, not trying to justify my previous actions, I was so in love I couldnt bear to see him suffer (when he was broke)All the fancy resturants he loved, the holidays he wanted, the clothes, shoes etc- I just kept paying.
Man, I was a stupid girl
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Hi,Lesman
Based on your original post.I found you love him more than he loves you,right?Your love start from a bias level.If the man treat you like that,why still be with him?I know it's hard for you to quit this relation but you have to.Don't waste time on this kind of man.You will not be the last one he abadon.Sorry for "abadon"this word.Just realize this guy is horrible.How can he do that to you!I feel angry to see that post for you!!
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congratulations you just dumped an a**hole, and now you can get your own life back ! be yourself! It's painful but that will be okay, It's take times, but believe me, it won't be long!
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Congrats on getting rid of him. Just remember that you have been thru H*ll, but now you are back and a better, stronger person for it. Keep believing that there is someone better, no, someone GREAT out there for you.
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Qart
18 yrs ago
Hi Lesman! i know it must been really hard for u, i've been through exactly the same thing with my ex... after all the things that ive been through with him or because of him... had a job that didnt like but he needed my help so i never even complained worked for both of us....payed for his school... even for his trip to his country, and didnt go myself coz it wasnt enough for both, just lied to him that i didnt want to go home in summer, lol... cant believe i was doing all that .. it was LDR for sometime after living together for more than two years, but we used to c each other every month, call at least twice a day, and guess what? he had a gf for months there... so many things that he did wrong, friends yeah same story, not that he didn't like them or so, but i just had his problems in my head and didn't have time for myself or for my girls... urs at least told u it was over but mine was worse then that.. the end was the worse, if he just told me that he met someone or just that didnt want to be with me i wouldnt feel as bad as i did then... i could c that at the end it wasnt working but i was waiting for the right time when he would finish his thing that he wouldnt depend on me to talk about it, didnt want to make him feel bad... i tried once but he felt bad that he made me feel the way i felt, so i just decided to wait.. it was just after two months he started to c her, i guess we have to trust our feelings more than we realize..... at the end he came to c me, had a great time, bought things that he NEEDED, went bk and after one week stopped calling me, before coming to c me he told me that he moved so i didnt even know his new place, changed numbers and oh , it was terrible, well anyway i went to look for him... wrote hundrets of emails, called his friends, but they just were saying that they havent seen him for sometime ( its a long story ill just make it short), first time i just straight went to his work, he told me that he had more problems with his family, work thing, school.. and couldnt tell me and was ashamed coz he let me down... well, at the end i love u more than anything, im so sorry for holding u back and bla blabla.. well i came bk and the same, no calls nothing... the same story again, how could i be so stupid... i was crying at work, at home, coz he was feeling so bad and i couldn't even help... well next week i went there again, and i found out that he never moved, lived in our apartment that i gave him money for, with that girl...
Ah! Dont want to go there....
Its not like he never loved me or so, there was love for sure... i just dont understand how can man treat person that he once loved that bad.. oh, it was a bit more than 4 years relationship...
It's been more than a year now, getting over him was easy, it took me just one second when i saw them together, the feeling was just gone,,, but the pain that i let him treat me so bad and so many mixed feelings... her words and the way she and even him made it sound that i was the third person in their relationship... she knew that he had a gf, and was reading my letters and msg.. ah, they just deserve each other i guess...
i was crying, while thinking about the things that they told me that day and many times i caught myself talking loudly, alone ...
Well, whatever, time passed.. im ok now, not maybe 100% ok coz got really big trust issues, hard to start a new relationship, but i know ill be fine... started getting bk to old me, and feels kind of good, lol...
forget about him, force urself to forget, Just find the way to be happy with yourself, and the rest will come...
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WOW! Good for you, girl. Take Care :-)
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Qart,
I feel like I am reliving my entire horrible experience just by reading about yours.
It will take a long time to heal, after a while it is isnt the love that is left that keeps you hanging on but the pain of being hurt and fooled. That also will pass in time.
Qart, Go out there and start doing things that you love.. and REMEMBER you can only start loving someone else when you START LOVING YOURSELF.
The amount of times it has crossed my mind to hurt him and destroy him but I realised by hating him means I havent gotten over him at all. When I feel indifference is when I know I have recovered fully. Learn to forgive. Forgiveness is to accept that the past wouldnt change but by forgiving him you gain control and power over yourself,your emotions.
I wish I could tell you we will all be OK... and there is this really GREAT self help book that you should buy to solve all your problems but there isnt. Be comforted to know that you are not alone and there are others out there hurting just like you and me.
There are 5 steps to recovery that we all have to go through.
SHOCK
DENIAL
ANGER
SADNESS
ACCEPTANCE
We are in the sadness phase still but in time we will come out of it to accept that this is the past and KNOW that whatever doesnt kill us will make us stronger
YOU GO GIRL!!! Be proud that you are a bigger person that he is. I know this sounds cliche but I am sure there is someone out there for us that is kind and good that deserves our love.
WE WILL BE ALRIGHT...:-)
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