Friends leave me out

Would appreciate some advice on the above problem.I've been close friends with a couple of people for about 1 1/2 years.We used to do a lot together, but recently I've been aware that they don't really include me in their plans.There was a time- up till Nov last year- when they included me all the time, but now I know they do lots of things together and don't ask me.They talk in front of me about things they've done at the weekend.


I've been thinking it through, and I know this much;


It's not that I've been refusing their invitations, so now they don't want to ask me along because they think I'll just say no.I've made a few suggestions about things we could do, and they've said no.


I understand that friendships come and go, and things change- but literally weeks before I started feeling excluded two of them literally told me that I meant so much to them, and that they loved me- I felt like we had a really close bond.


I'm not perfect, but I really don't think I've done anything to offend them.These are people I've helped and gone out of my way for because I liked them so much.


When I hear them talking about things that they've done at the weekend, that I haven't been invited to, it makes me cautious about asking myself along, or phoning them up-so I suppose this could also be affecting the dynamic between us.One thing is feeding another, so to speak.


I know that the only way to address this is to ask them about it- of course, in a non confrontational way, I know that getting angry/ resentful won't help.I suppose I'm afraid of bringing it up, but maybe there's no other way.


I feel so low and confused, and would appreciate some advice.I know what advice people can tell me is perhaps limited- you don't know me or them, but would like some help.I feel really terrible.


Thanks.

how about just moving on?

The only way to know... is to ask your friends.


Maybe when there's the opportunity, you can talk to each and ask them if you've done anything wrong, or perhaps it's just in your mind that they are leaving you out.


At the end of the day... if they are not as friendly with you, then you can move on. There's loads of friendly people in HK! :-)

Thanks for the advice so far.Maybe moving on is what I'll ultimately do, but I should try to sort it out- just afraid to, but that's my problem.The thing is, I work with them, so it's right there every day- a bit hard to detach myself from.

Miss Havisham has a point.


Hong Kong is full of fickle friends. There are acquaintances and then there are friends. And from the sounds of it, you think that these girls value you, but you haven't said anything about what makes them so awesome...just that you feel a bit un-included...(is there such a word as discluded? Erm...)


The other question is, do those friends have more in common with each other than with you? And are they single or coupled up? Sometimes if they are couples they feel like inviting the single person may put that single person in a position where they feel like a third wheel.


I mean...are you single? Are they? And if you are not single, maybe they cant stand your partner?


Let us know more.

It is very hurtful when this sort of thing happens, so lucylinda, I just want to say first, I understand how hurt you are by this exclusion, especially since you are experiencing their rejection in the office/work situation. Those comments are often designed to tell us one thing: we did something and you were not invited. Listen to that, and understand the meaning.


Now, you could react to that by asking them why, but what is the point? People either want to spend time with you or they don't. So, I don't suggest you ask.


My suggestion is to stay friendly with these people, but to build a wider base of friends and activities. Friends who do not feel pressured usually return. It's just you've got some valuable information now on them. They are just people to hang out with. As JC above says, they are not 'friends', so do not invest any more energy into them on a friendship basis. Rather, just interact in a friendly way.


I suggest you join other groups and take up other activities like sports, all the while following up on people you meet with a text or message of some kind that in non-demanding. People will soon begin to include you into groups and their friends will ask you to go out with them, and so on... Well, this is what I've found, and I don't have any problem meeting friends now.


The trick is to have a wide base of friends, and not just rely on a small 'niche' group of people to sustain you. If you only have a small clique then what you are experiencing is bound to happen. People often work to exclude or annoy someone else to get a rise. I have seen this happen a lot. The best strategy is to hang back, do not retaliate, do not give a 'please explain' unless you have been outright bullied, (which I think we must always call people on) and just be available. You will find that your friends will come back, but you know their limitations.


People who base their lives on just a few people are at great risk of being left bereft when one or more of those suddenly disappears. Stay bouyant and happy, but seek more widely for interaction. These people will be friendly with you again, but you know that you probably can't expect too much from them.

Just go out with your other friends then tell this couple what YOU got up to at the weekend.

Hi again.


In reply to Justin, it's a group of 4/5 people, including a couple.It's the couple who I was particularly friendly with.I've always been careful not to crowd them- of course, they would want time on their own.I actually went away with them- just the couple- for a few days last summer and we had a great time.This was at their suggestion.I was really careful to say- are you sure you want another person to come along, don't you want to go away yourselves, and they said, no, it'll be fun.As a couple they hang out with other single people too, or in a group, so it's not just me that's been spending time with them.

We were friends because we had a shared sense of humour, similar ideas and values and we shared quite a lot about our private lives, which I now kind of regret.Not because they'll tell others, but I wonder if I've put them off because I told them about a few problems I'd had, and that I'd been treated for depression once.I know you're going to say, if that's the case, then they're not friends, but it is nagging at me.The really sad thing here for me is that I hate to talk about myself much, and I had to pluck up the courage to tell them that I was down, and now I'm just wishing I hadn't.The timing could be coincidental, though.


I think I'm beginning to sense that they have more in common with each other than they do with me.I know this happens all the time, but it really feels bad.


In reply to Flashback, thanks for your sympathy and advice.I actually have quite a wide circle of friends, but many have young kids, so obviously aren't out socialising as much.These people fitted the bill in that sense, and also for the reasons I gave above.


It's been my gut feeling all along that I didn't want to raise it with them- and you've confirmed that it's not a good idea, so I'm going to go with that.I think my resentment has shown on a couple of occasions, but am going to try to follow what you said and be happy...it's not easy, but I'll try!


Thanks again, and if anyone else has had a similar experience, I'd love to hear about it, it would be helpful.

The other thing is, when you are feeling down, depressed, some of the small nagging issues can be amplified and feel like fiberglass in your soul. I totally understand your problems with depression, and yes, sometimes that stuff can put people off, not because they don't care but because they have no means to relate. Don't take it personally and seriously doubt they are avoiding you because of that, its likely thats in your head.


You shared a very private part of your life and because of it, you feel vulnerable. So just give yourself time and once you are out of the funk it may appear that things really arent as bad as you thought.

Thanks.Also coming round to the idea that change is not always a nice part of life, but maybe it's a necessary one.I thought these people would always be important to me, but maybe not.Time will tell!

Atta girl lucylinda.


I used to say (and nowadays I don't get to say it as often as I used to say it, so thanks for allowing me one more round at it), people come in and out the your life like busboys in a restaurant. As one door swings shut another opens...The people you thought would be your friends forever and ever...they move on to other friends, other countries, and they call you never again or, as in many a case, once or twice a year. Sometimes its because they really do care and they really do miss you...and then sometimes its coz they miss an old part of themselves.


Dont feel bad. Change feels like two left shoes sometimes, but its not like you cant walk in em.


Change is good. Without change, you will never have a means of knowing who you are and gauging how far you have come. You have made some startling revelations about yourself and the people you surround yourself with, and that self-knowledge has made you feel down, but from here, move on and just go about your life in a more aware and self-preserving manner.


Hell, I am always thinking how all my friends from HK have either moved away or gone into social hibernation. I have maybe one or two I can really call friends, even if back in the day it was a lot more...but unlike back in the day, I am a lot happier now, so I don't need as many distractions. :)


Be well, and chin up.

As always... on the nail, JC.


As you get older, I think you realise that the thing about friends is that real friends don't need to have to keep making deposits to be your friend. And, as you get more mature about it all, you realise that not everyone - even your friends - want to be around you 24/7 or even bi-weekly or ... even monthly... Sometimes friends are off working out their own lives... and don't want to bore the crap out of others when they are doing it... Sometimes they well... just need space...


People are all different.


There are people in my life I see once a year.. or once every two years whom I feel are close friends... We don't have to bleed inside each other's wounds on a day-to-day basis. I suppose it is maturity. But we come together when we need each other.


This lot you are talking about Lucy linda may end up being those kinds of friends... friends develop because of sensitivity and staying power. They know when to ease up... they know when to make a curtain-call...


It's a process.