Posted by
Sara73
16 yrs ago
I am very confused. I recently got married to my husband whom i have dated for a year and half. My husband has been divorced for 15 years and does no have children from his prior marriage. His ex-wife is married and has two kids from her second marriage.
When I was dating my husband, I knew that he had a good relationship with his ex-wife and he considers her and her family as his own. His ex-wife and her family were at our wedding representing his side of the family.
I really didn't mind their friendship but now it has started to bother me. While we were getting married, I tired to stay in touch with her though email to make sure she and her family are well taken care of at the wedding. But soon after the wedding, she hasn't bothered to write or communicate with me. She and my husband communicate regularly and when we were on vacation .. he called her for 40 minutes in front of me. I did not understand what he was saying because he speaks to her in his native language.
Why am i asking for advice? Well, mainly because he is back in his home country on a business trip. He has decided to visit her over the weekend. It greatly disturbs me. I have mentioned to him earlier that I do not wish to have his past in the present. But he says I don't understand his relationship with his ex-wife. They are really good friends and he considers her family. He says, with time I will understand. One thing I forgot to mention, he is his ex-wife's daughter's godfather.
What should i do? am i overreacting by thinking there is more than meets the eye?
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
You haven't mentioned the ex-wife's present husband. Is he still in the picture? If so, does your husband socialize with him as well?
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Ex-wife's husband is still in the picture. they are married with 2 kids. He is a quiet guy and does socialize with my husband. Usually my husband and his ex-wife speak in their native language. The husband of the ex-wife tunes out and keeps to himself.
My husband is currently staying the weekend with his ex-wife and her husband.
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SVicY
16 yrs ago
i think you are bothered because you dont speak their native language and you feel left out that they (husband, ex-wife, ex-wife current husband) are all communicating and you are left out of the picture. i wouldnt be too happy if im in that situation either.
and yes you are thinking too much. try to put yourself into their shoes, if you had a ex husband that you shared a life with, would you like to cut him off totally just because u're married to someone else now? From what you've described, husband's behavior does not sound fishy.
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FKKC
16 yrs ago
Your husband is very open with you regarding his ex-wife and I think you should trust him. He loves you by marrying you but with her is just an extension of his past which brings him closer to his home country that he misses & it should be acceptable.
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sicn
16 yrs ago
Trust your husband and tell him how you feel. Nobody is perfect and you do feel jealous of them being too close. YOU are his family now and you and him is the ONLY family that shall matter. That doesn't mean he should cut her completely out of the picture. Just he shall consider your feeling since he choose you as life partner. Also she shall consider your feeling and involve you if she wants to keep a kind of "friendship" or "relationship" with your husband.
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I agree with you Sicn.
I think if his ex-wife kept an open door with me and involved me in their relationship, I would not have been upset. They have a relationship in which they find comfort in each other. Its very private. They talk on the phone and my husband visits/stays with her whenever he is in his home country. It is hard for me to accept this.
Before we got married, I didn't realize the extent of their relationship. Plus I felt that after he had a happy married life with me, his relationship with his ex-wife would fade. But this hasn't happened and we are happily married!
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Dear Sara,
I just had a divorce because of mistrust. I can understand how you feel. But I want to shed some light into your situation
You have dated for a year and half and decided to marry him - so trust him. He has been divorced for 15 years - in my opinion, there is nothing to worry about. If they have romantic interests, it would have caught fire before you got into the picture. A woman might have an affair with someone they knew from the past, but men are usually tempted by new romances. I would be more worried if it was a 20 year old girl he just met.
"His ex-wife and her family were at our wedding representing his side of the family. .......... he is his ex-wife's daughter's godfather. "
Sound like your husband is a very caring person and treasures relationship he has built with people. It is unlikely for someone like that to risk destroying relationships by having an affair with his ex-wife. He probably treats her like a sister.
"........ she hasn't bothered to write or communicate with me."
maybe you are feeling left out, but you should not expect her to have the same relationship with you.
"..... he called her for 40 minutes in front of me." He talked to her in front of you. isn't that better than talking behind you? In my opinion, there is nothing to worry about.
If you let suspicion get into your head, it would damage your relationship whether there's more to their relationship or not. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, you will feel happier if you trust him completely. His relationship with his ex-wife sounds more like brother and sister type. Would you expect his relationship with his sister fade over time?
have faith - it would make you feel better, sleep better. that's more important than anything else.
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Sara your feelings are completely understandable. What's really been going on between them only they know and the fact that the ex-wife excludes you isn't a good sign.
But she comes with the package and you can't force her to open her arms to welcome you in. What you can do is set some ground rules with you husband.
1) Ask him to cut down on the calls (how regular do they communicate again?) and do emails instead. More importantly, ask him NEVER to make those calls in front of you. Do it on his private time.
2) Go with him to his home country whenever you can, make the importance of you in his life glaringly clear to the ex-wife.
You should take over whatever role she's played in his life the but it will happen gradually. If your marriage continues to be a happy one and grow, you will get there in no time.
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Thank you so much for helping me out. The reason why i posted such private stuff on the forum is because i am conflicted.
I really trusted him, but his relationship with his ex-wife is eating away at that trust. I know they are constantly in touch because he tells me. As we speak, he is spending the weekend with her in her home. No matter how good a friendship that might be, its just hard for me to understand him wanting to spend time with her by spending the weekend with her. Agreed she lives with her husband and kids... i am just finding it very hard to look beyond the fact that he is spending the weekend with her.
I have two options live with it or change it.
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Dear Sara,
It is really hard thing to challenge your endurence silently.
From your description,the problem that you are facing is not whether you and your husband trust each other,you feel such a relationship/friendship between your husband and his ex-wife bother your living.Have you given him a hint of not feeling well under that situation,or do you think it is necessary to have a talk with your husband,as his current wife,you could speak out what is annoying you,but do not be too straightly,you could ask him to reduce the frequency of their meeting..etc,at least,this is the respect for respective family.
To think positively toward to your marriage,and don't ignore daily communication with your dear as well.pls don't suppress your emotion if you can not tolerate any more.the more you suppresses,and the more the unpleasant feeling grows.Speak out when you need to open your heart in some occasion.
Good luck!
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Please don't mind I say the truth, because I am like too you, sometimes think too much and pre-suppose too much and turn what I imagine into real. I know we are used to what people say prepare for the worse. In financial terms it make sense but not in a relationship.
After all what we all really wanted in life?
Happiness
Learn to trust yourself, have confidence in yourself, trust your partner.
Man is like sand, if you hold it too tight, you will loose it all.
As I wrote, is like I am telling myself too! Is not easy, but if we ease up our mind we will be more happy, after all, that is what we all looking for ultimately, right!
We cannot control other people but we have the options to choose how to see the situation. Hope you will see it the right way a constuctive way which enable to be a more happy person.
Happiness is on our hand!
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Thank you all. I will speak to him when he gets back. I truly appreciate all your help and advice and will keep you posted.
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cd
16 yrs ago
I don't think the problem is that he still has s relationship with his ex, I think its good that they are still good friends, he will probably always love her, just not be in love with her. The problem is that they exclude you from that relationship. You are his family now, and you should come first. Talk to him honestly about how hurt and leftout you feel. Try and visit her more together, let her see you as a couple.
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sorry.. he is from the US with spanish roots.
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weLL it happens !! jhuz stay frank with him ..
maybe they are good friends ... and all ..
but i wonder why they did divorce
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I see no problem here other than your insecurity eating away at you. Its not "mistrust" its actually the fact you dont think you are good enough for your husband. Sheesh, he's been friends with her when they were married, after they got divorced, AND let me add, his ex has known him 15+ years more than you have...she trusts him enough to make him the godfather of her kid. How can you feel like you can compete with someone who has known your husband so long? She knows him better than you do and STILL married someone else! Lol.
Cheer up. You ARE the woman he married and he married you because before you got married, he knew you for a year and a half as a secure and confident woman who had no issues. Now you do? Why do you expect his ex wife to be buddying up to you too? Just coz you are not someone she has anything in common with and so she chooses to rather be honest than to be fake and pretend to be best mates with you...you are offended and think its suspicious?
She is married...with kids...and your husband is the godfather of her kid. Dont you think that her husband has to deal with the same thing as you? You say he is quiet..but maybe he is just not insecure about it. Maybe he is pretty ok with it because he knows she is HIS wife. You have your husband, dont screw it up coz you feel insecure. If you want to feel included, take some spanish classes and then he wouldnt seem like an alien to you.
As I said, you cant compete with a 15+ year friendship, and you are daft to think he should drop that for you to feel secure. You need to beef up your own selfesteem yourself, otherwise it will never work. Nothing worse than someone saying "If you do this for me, I will feel better and happier" People like that are never happier, they need to sort their own issues out themselves...
*Shrug*
Just a thought.
Good luck...
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If you trust him, then you're not really suspecting him, you're just jealous.
Don't get me wrong, this is not criticism, jealousy is a fairly natural feeling (albeit an awful one, for everyone invloved), especially when you've recently entered the life of someone; you have to deal with the fact that others have known him for longer than you and shared things with him that you don't even know.
In fact, I think that's what troubling you. "They've known eachother for ever, if anything should have happened, it would have happened already, so why should I worry? And yet i do! Oh, how I wish he wouldn't be friends with her anymore! But how can I wish that he should loose one of his best friends? I'm supposed to want him to be happy. Does that make me a bad person??" blah blah blah
I don't think you're worried, I think you're not liking this feeling you've got. Jealousy is negative, and you don't like to be the "bad" jealous girl. Feeling jealous and realising how possessive and grumpy it makes you appear is very unpleasant.
You've got to come to terms with this, though, because otherwise, it will eat you away.
Would you rather he was on the phone with her for hours behind your back? 'Course not. Would it bother you if he was chatting to his mates? I guess not. You'd think he's entitled to have a phone conversation with his friends every now and then. Would it bother you less if it were a female friend that he's never been married to? 'Course, it would. Point is, you're jealous; again, it's natural, but if unjustified, it's wrong, and it can get poisonous. Don't let it get to you.
When you're on the phone to your friend, does he sit there, waiting for you to be finished, giving you the evils? I suppose (hope) not. So treat this relationship for what it is: a friendship. And relax.
Next time he has a lenghty conversation with her, do something else, go to the next room, or read the papers if you're out for coffee or something. You don't have to wait by his side until he's finished, looking like you're feeling left out and there's going to be some serious sulking afterwards because he ignored you for half an hour.
And more importantly, remember that just because he has this good female friend doesn't mean you come second.
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its always easy to say if things aren't happening to u..its not always u who needs to trust but also him to help u give that trust.my husband is a foreigner but every time we are around people, family and friends. i always see to it that he understands what we are talking about. not let him feel left out..for me its ignorant to speak a different language in front of someone esp ur husband/wife when u can speak a language he/she understands.
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easyl
15 yrs ago
stop being jealous and selfish, before u got into it they were already there and best of all they are friends, and good friends, so just ask him to explain what he means by u will understand someday, let him explan to u...
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