Posted by
beetlebug3
18 yrs ago
This is quite a long one, but would be grateful for advice.
I returned to the uk in june last year, suffering from post natal depression. After being back for 3 months my husband who was still in singapore told me he no longer wanted to continue the marriage.
As you can imagine i was devastated, it took a couple of months for the anger to kick in, but once it did i decided to return to Singapore with my children, so atleast they could see their father and i could have some sort of life for myself.
Before returning my husband and i had long discussions on how we were going to work this out, financial we cannot afford 2 homes, so we live together.
To cut a long story short, i want my marriage to work, i see a councelor and feel i am finally coming out of my depression, however my husband says he still feels the same.." he is never going to give me what i want" "your never going to be happy"
He wants to be the best dad he can, but he still doesn't spend any amount of time with his kids (works long hours and enjoys a busy social life)
How do i turn things around? Can i turn things around for the sake of my children, i don't want to do it by myself.
The marriage was a mess before i left, but now looking back after having medical help with the postnatal depression,i can see how bad it was and how good it could be.
I love him more now than i have for a long time and see how important he is to me, but is it too late? Any ideas on what i should do?
Please support our advertisers:
alk
18 yrs ago
Is he now in a relationship with someone? For the sake of the children, husband and wife should do everything for them, even stay together, even if they don't feel like it anymore. Talk to him. This marriage is not only about you and him. You have children.
Please support our advertisers:
hi alk
He says no and i have given him every opp to tell me. He says he just hasn't got the energy or the heart for it anymore. I don't want him to stay for the kids sake, that would not work out either. I have talked to him but we just go round in circles, he doesn't want to try for fear of the relationship going bad again in 6 months, and i feel that i am making every effort to make sure it doesn't go back to the way it was.
Please support our advertisers:
We have been together for 14 yrs and married for5 of them. We have 3 children ages 9, 4 and 1. He was tired of trying and trying to make me happy. I can see now that he could have bought me flowers everyday, wrote poetry etc this would still have not made me feel any better(hated myself for the best part of 2 yrs). Perhaps our timing is out. I try everyday to make the home a happy one that he wants to come back to.
his long working hours,networking and social mean that by the weekend he is tired and grumpy when it comes to spending time with the family.
I feel that he will not try to get some sort of life balance which in turn just leaves me feeling hurt and frustrated.
Please support our advertisers:
It seems to me that you are making too much efforts to save the marriage. This sometimes can make him feel suffocated and then spend time out.
What about the kids? Do they know (the 9 year old one)what is going on between their parents?
I would suggest you to keep some disctance. What about leave him alone for a while with say the oldest child? This will help reveal if he's a good dad as he wants or says or not. Besides, it gives him some space and time to think about the family and appreciate your efforts in taking care of the kids and saving the marriage.
Good luck to you!
Please support our advertisers:
alk
18 yrs ago
Well if you have tried evrything you think is possible to save this relationship and still, it doesn't work, he won't want to continue being married to you, fine, it's time to look ahead. For the sake of yourself and your children, it is better not to force yourself on someone who doesn't love you anymore. Just make sure the children are well compensated. You can look forward to a new like and maybe meet someone who would appreciate you more. But that is not the priority. Your priority is living and raising the children in a new set up. Many have gone through a situation like your and turned out fine. In many cases, even better. Believe me. In a married life with kids, the children's achievements offer a better reward than couples trying to stay together. You can survive this. Be strong. The results will be more staisfying. I am not encouraging you to separate. We both know that neither of us hold the key to 'yes' or 'no' in this situation.
Please support our advertisers:
hi beetle
alk & others on the thread's right.
i'm in a similar situation as you - the difference is the kids are with her & i moved out a few wks ago at her insistence after trying to work things out for the better part of last yr till recently.
things improved for a while & then sinks back to old mode & she's just tired of trying.. i used to get extremely upset with her prioritising her work & friends over family but i do blame myself for having put her at the position where she chose...
i learnt it can hurt more if you try too hard.. so much so you push the other party even further away.. i have my worries if she's really sure if this is what she wants and of course about the kids. but after isolating myself for a bit, i find more energy & focus to think of the essentials first.. it's slow.. and i know i can't expect things to go back to rosy days just like that.. but i still have faith in the relationship.
the worst case scenario is we separate but at least i'm in a much better position now to think of the children's welfare & spend my energy working on that.
Don't mean to be preachy.. May God grant you peace & wisdom to see through this difficult stage in your life.
Please support our advertisers:
He's having an affair. I smell it. As long as he is, you won't be able to compete with "Miss Newandfun". I suggest a counselor to walk you through these issues. I hate to see any woman reduced to depending on a man who doesn't appreciate her. Can you move in with your parents for awhile, are you employable? With three young children it will be tough but people have survived worse. Try to survive with your mental health and self esteem intact.
Please support our advertisers:
Good dad? You say he works long hours, has a "busy social life," and then is grumpy on weekends when he's home? Plus, in this environment there has got to be a lot of tension. It's really awful to be going through this when you're already depressed, but part of your depression is surely resulting FROM this dreadful situation. The sooner you address the root causes, the sooner you can get back on your feet. He needs to accept that his choices are going to cause a drastic drop in standard of living, and that you need to make whatever moves are necessary to get you back on your feet again financially and emotionally. He needs to move out and give you some space. He can live in the car, that's what one of my other friend's husbands did. (Okay, I know you won't kick him out on the street, but change your way of thinking, you are way too kind to somebody who has kicked you when you are already down! Those are his kids, too, and he needs to be pitching in to help raise them, which he's NOT! He's just being a whining jerk, IMO.)
Please support our advertisers:
Beetlebug,
I think you might have to stipulate that only 30 somethings who have lived something of a life give you advice... a lot of this advice is clearly from very immature people...IMHO.
Please support our advertisers:
To all, thanks for the advice, i think deep down, you are all right, its all the things i would tell any of my girlfriends if they were in the same situation!!, Its harder when your the one living it. Goldenleaves thanks for the positives, i have already started working and i go back to uni in july, my life is taking a turn for the better but i still wish my husband was included in it.
I also know that the kids will get through it as long as i stay positive and they know they are loved.
Thanks x
Please support our advertisers:
Thanks goldenleaves, I think thats the problem with alot of people giving up on a marriage is easier these days and sometimes easier than working at it. I hope it will work out for the best, i'm not willing to give it up just yet!!
Please support our advertisers:
Stay with it. being far from home often adds another dimension. You said that you had been seeing a therapist, perhaps you should get your husband to join you, or find a new therapist to start afresh - but go together. sometimes its hard to reconcile the difficult times alone.
dont lose hope..
Please support our advertisers:
Totty
18 yrs ago
I've just read through some of these replies and how immature, unfeeling and downright rude can you get.
Give him some space, look at getting your own 'hobby' so as you have another interest, enjoy your time with the kids and he may well come around. Leave him little things for when he gets back from work, a cup of tea that just needs water adding, a cake out that the kids have made, toothpaste on his toothbrush ready for him, just little things and you may find that he will see how much EVERYONE in the household feels about him.
Men are daft sometimes, a good book to read is Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, me and my husband went through a horrible, horrible phase, i read this and it gives you a wonderful insght into them. By the way we've been together since i was 16, have two kids and marriage is never plain sailing and those that give up at the first hurdle just ain't trying.
Good luck Beetlebug3 x
Please support our advertisers:
Sorry to hear that...this is his own dilemma, there is nothing you can do...I agree with Totty, give him some space...And he needs to fix himself, before you both to discuss how to move on...
Where is the commitment? Hang on and Good luck!
Please support our advertisers:
Goldenleaves...totally agree!
All good things come for those who wait...
Please support our advertisers:
Hi,
Firstly, I want to congratulate you on getting the help you need, well done! That's the 1st step on the road to recovery!
I think you need to get him a job back home to the UK as soon as!! The culture is completely different in the UK & it sounds to me, like the majority of men unfortunately, that he's living the life of reilly while the usual happens, the mother looks after the kids, he socialises. He has responsibilities for God's sake!! I don't know ANY women who can switch off their emotions like that. Have you tried doing the socilising & turning the tables so he has the kids? Have you any family or friends there that you can rely on to look after the kids? If yes, you could try seducing him all over again..... Good luck xx
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail