Posted by
trudi
16 yrs ago
I am married with 2 kids and have just discovered we are pregnant again. It is a shock but my husband says he's too old (50) for another child. Too much long term financial responsibility. He wants to terminate but I don't although I would choose not to have another child.
Any advice????
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This is a biggy.
No simple answer, let me share some experience from my family.
Last year my wife and I were deciding if we wanted to have a child, I was the one who wanted a child. This is both our second marriage. I am 50 she is mid 40s, she/we have a daughter in Univeristy in UK now.
When you get to 50 you may start to get tired more easily and also start thinking about the day when you don't have to work anymore (I have). Planning for retirement money etc etc.
So a baby at 50 means I would be in my 70's when the child graduates. There will be need to work beyond 75 probably.
Although a lovely idea, we considered it may not be responsible, and a huge amount of financial stress to carry into our LATE life. Maybe I wouldn't be around that that long. Maybe my wife wouldn't.
I am not saying it cannot be done. My sister had a 3rd baby at 46. The eldest had recently graduated, and the other boy was about to graduate. But my sister and her husband were very financially secure at the time. And as her husband was soon to retire and so he could take on more of the load at home.
Just two different perspectives.
You have not said how old you are.
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Bringing a child into the world is a responsibility in every aspect. Raising a child with love is important and should not be corrupted or detracted by the financial consideration. There are people with incredible wealth who failed to give of themSELVES/time to their children. Measure by the amount of 'love' responsibility than financial. With LOTS of love on offer - your baby will develop and thrive in whatever financial situations your husband worry about. Bring a child up with love and all things will fall into place. Enjoy the life within you, keep happy and dont worry. Cross the bridge when you come to it. You have both been blessed - as many childless couples will say. For now - LOVE LIFE within you.
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Spot on yonon. Life is God's gift. Cherish or let others love and cherish the gift of LIFE. Better to be compassionate with the little life than to be burdened and plagued with guilty conscience for killing it. There are many horrific pictures of foetus broken/torn/ripped to bloodied pieces - it is horrific. Abortion carried out at later stage of foetus development can bring nightmares to childless couples. Where is the love?? Where is the compassion? Cherish or else give others to love and cherish LIFE - the beautiful baby.
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jamil
16 yrs ago
I grew up in a BIG family we are five brohers and two sisters but never had any problems. And I ain't froma rich family just a working class family.
So I think with a third child you would be just fine.
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trudi have you and your husband sat down alone together and talked all your options through? your husband might just need some time to get used to the idea or he may be dead set against having this child but you guys need to work it out or it will destroy you. If you are set on having the baby and husband does not want another child there doesn't seem any common ground but if you just can't deal with having an abortion perhaps you could cope with allowing someone else to adopt the child knowing they will be loved and cared for.
If you decide that you would like to terminate the fetus don't let the anti abortion lot above scare you into giving birth if it's not what you want. You have to do what is best for your and your family.
I wish you luck and hope things work out for you
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trudi how far along are you in your pregnancy? and what is your ethnicity? have you thought of giving you baby for adoption?
me and my husband are looking for a baby to adopt. but he has conditions like the child has to be in its infancy and is an orphan and looks a bit like us.
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trudi
16 yrs ago
Thank you all for your advice / help.
I can assure all that I will not terminate nor adopt. We will ofcourse love this child. I think I just need some emotional reassurance that all will work out.
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Great to hear that you are keeping the child! Congratulations!
My hubby and I have been waiting for our second child for 3 years already... Gynae just told me that we only have less than 5% chance of conceiving naturally now. Think of us and you will know how lucky you are.
All the best! I'm sure you will be fine!!!
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I'm 46 and recently thought that I may be pregnant again. Quite frankly, I was distraught at the thought as we already have 2 grown up children. I didn't even tell my husband until after I'd done a test and found that it was negative. When I told him that I'd thought I was pregnant, the look on his face said it all, probably a similar reaction to the one you got from your husband. However, when the reality of the possibility had sunk in, we both decided that we would have had to continue. Already having 2 grown up kids that we love and cherish, I think it would have to be a very hard man (or woman) who would insist that you give up the baby, or teminate the pregnancy. Glad to hear you'll be keeping the baby and I'm sure hubby will come round in the end. Good luck with pregnancy!
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kamma
16 yrs ago
I am in the same situation as you. I have been married for 15 years and we have a six year old daughter. My husband and I had made a joint decision not to have any more kids. This was as much my decision as his. When I found out I was pregnant, all I could do was cry. This was not part of our plan. i told my husband and he urged me to terminate. I went to the hospital to discuss my options and then spent the next week just thinking over my situation. I decided to have the baby and my main reason for deciding to keep the baby is because I just couldn't go through with an abortion. I am not pro-choice and I don't judge other women who have decided not to have a baby but for me, I just couldn't. I am financially stable. I have my own money to support myself, the new baby and my daughter and not work for six months to a year if I end up doing this on my own. After I made my decision, I told my husband what I was doing and that if he didn't want to be a part of it, then I would do it on my own. I wasn't mad when I told him, although at first I did feel as though he was acting like I got myself pregnant and having an abortion is just like taking an aspirin. We didn't talk for a few weeks and I thought that my husband would leave me but then one day he just came around and apologized and said that he has been a**hole (his word) when I need his support the most and he will be there for me and the baby. I don't know if this will have a happy ending yet, but things are looking good. I guess what I am saying is that you need to look into your own heart and decide what is right for you regardless of what your husband says or wants. Be true to yourself and things will work themselves out.
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"Life is God's gift. Cherish or let others love and cherish the gift of LIFE. Better to be compassionate with the little life than to be burdened and plagued with guilty conscience for killing it. There are many horrific pictures of foetus broken/torn/ripped to bloodied pieces - it is horrific. Abortion carried out at later stage of foetus development can bring nightmares to childless couples. Where is the love?? Where is the compassion? Cherish or else give others to love and cherish LIFE - the beautiful baby."
What if one doesn't believe in a god?
While a decision to abort or not should be taken seriously, I find it much better when a woman chooses abortion versus a future where she knows she cannot care for the child. Take teenage pregnancies for example. How many young girls find themselves with shattered dreams because of social pressure not to abort. Destroy one life to save another? It is not a black and white situation.
As for "plagued with nightmares", I can assure you that those nightmares are by no means a given.
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I was in the same situation I have two older children the eldest soon ready to go to University and one 3 yrs younger. We eventually decided to keep our bonous baby now 3 yr old who is a true treasure and adored by the 2 eldest. It is a challenge especially as we both work, had also planned retirement but now continue with original plans to see the eldest through their ed.
In my oppinion it's wonderful to start over again with the help of the older ones who are so doting and are more than willing to share all financial provisions made for them with their new sister.
Try to convince husband because you will need all the support...I still periodically, though rarely , get it thrown back in my face when the goings get tough!
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Agree with axptguy38, while the decision is very serious, it's probably better to terminate now than not being able to care for the child in future. Or worse, resenting the child or having your partner resent you for the financial/physical/emotional burden, after he/she is born.
Also because of your age, I think you need to consider the possibility of genetic disorders such as Downes Syndrome. If your new child has special needs will you and your husband be able to cope financially? What about the strain on your marriage?
As for the "nightmares" of aborting a foetus (not a "baby" let's be biologically correct)...a girl I knew many years ago had an abortion and terminated twins. Her situation was different to yours, but my point is, she had an abortion. She seemed perfectly fine to me afterwards, so I asked her if she ever regretted her decision or thought about the babies. She said she did think about them once in a while, like what would they look like or how old they'd be now etc. But she never regretted her decision because she knew she couldn't care for them or give them the life they deserved.
So while no one knows what the future holds, you need to make your decision based on what's best for you and your family now. But if I were in your shoes, being pregnant later in life, with grown children, my main concern would be the genetic risks and my ability to cope with the worse case scenario.
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I'm divorced now a single parent, when my partner discovered she was pregnant!! To be honest it was the last thing I wanted....termination never came into it! (btw) I am not religious or pro life nor anti abortion. But I do believe in taking responsibility and facing the consequences of my first child being usurped. The end result is I couldn't be happier with my bundle of joy!! even though I'm in my late forties I have a new lease of life and it keeps you young! You can never totally plan your life as some of my friends have died young and never got the chance to see their children grow....I would accept the course and you will be surprised that all your worries disappear when you hold your baby for the first time!!
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FredB
16 yrs ago
Hi Trudi,
Wouldn't give advices about you & hubby couple situation, but as a child of "older" parents I can just tell you how it felt/feels for me.
My parents were 40 & 49yo when I was born.. and quite frankly when I compare with my friends, it has been a rather cool situation.
When I'd go to friends' with younger parents struggling with their carrier, kids, social life, I could often feel distress/ tensions. There was even eventually competition between mother and daughter.
While home it was really cool and relaxed (despites usual parents/couple dissensions).. Discussions subjects and activities were wide and varied, and my parents where quite open and available to us.
As well when it came to parties & nights out, never felt restricted/frustrated, hence never needed to break off or smtg.
Call it parents' "age wiseness" blabla.. But looking back at it, it certainly contributed to us (there are 3 of us, am no triplets) turning well-off and and well-balanced (yeah, am almost modest here ;-).
It also contributed to create a strong a stable bound among us.
Cannot see any downside at having older parents....
You may have some concerns about late pregnancy... Sure it needs more attention and care but if you are not stressed and well looked after why should there be any problems.
Afterall, and again, I turned out just fine ;-)
(if you put aside the red-blondish tufted hair and short temper)
Good luck to you & hubby!
P.S.: Hav' nothing against younger parents here.. despite being no fan of baby boomers. ;-)
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HI Trudi,
Just to share my side of stories that my dad always reminds us about his life as a kid. My grandmother had 10 kids and the last one she gave to a distant relatives because can't afford to bring him up since my grandad left the world around 40 plus. My grandmother single-handedly brought them up. Back then earning $300 is like heaven to them unlike now. But all my uncles and aunties are very successful til this day and what I can say is the love of a mother and persistent that brought them up to be what they are today.
My dad always tell us this story to remind us how lucky we are now to have all the things we have which we took for granted. He said when they were young they have to stay at relative place with 7 pple in a room. Only during CNY he got to eat luxury food like chicken. So my point is no matter what it's the Gift of Life so please appreciate it and talk to your husband about it. I don't think with wealth alone can bring up a child happily. It's the love and caring, comfort and support that enable the child to be happy.
All the best to you and hope the sharing helps =)
(I am based in Singapore)
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men are stupid and irritating creatures! they are only led by their dicks! they only know how to f*ck but dont want/care about the product of their f*ck.
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seriously. u know those shows like Jerry Springer? where they get people thats stupid on purpose on the show to get reactions out of the audience?
you know most of these "teenage magazine" questions on expat forums are actually asked by staff to populate the forum with mindless activity and ure a fool if you give you 2cents... whats next ? "my foreign boyfriend is seeing his Chinese colleague? "
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