Posted by
pinolino
18 yrs ago
Couldn't you talk to him first? Perhaps behind your "discovery" is a different story? This way he knows that you know and he can take it in his own hands...
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First of all...how did you discover???
I think you should consider this before taking any action...did you find out from another female or male friend?? Do you know where the club is? Can you get more information about it??? Can you find out how long he has been doing this???
I agree with pinolino...it's a good idea to talk to him first, but get some more facts first so that you can confront him without him feeling victimised. In these situations there is always two sides to the coin, and he probably feels that he has a good reason to be doing it (perhaps something is lacking in their relationship that no one knows about).
If you approach him, it's important to keep in mind that he is not a bad person, but, yes, he has made a mistake....
It is a horrible situation for you to be in and I wish you the best of luck....
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Do you know the husband well enough to talk to him about what you found out?
I had a very good friend whose husband was having an affair and I learned about it before she did. It was a tough call to make, and I chose not to tell my friend because I knew she had suicidal tendencies.
I spoke with her husband who was my friend too, and made him realize the pain he will cause his wife and their chidren if he doesn't stop.
In the end, he made the decision to continue with the affair, his wife found out for herself and the marriage is now annulled.
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Also imagine the husband turns it in a different story and she believes him...Then your dearest friend becomes your dearest enemy. So again, try to contact him first might be the better way.
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Only that he is a bad husband. So that's fine then eh Royster?
1920, agree it is none of your business, and if she does find out, just be there for her. She will certainly need a friend then.
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@@
18 yrs ago
I know it goes against what others have said but if it were my husband, I'd want to know - as crushing as it would be.
I'd expect my best friend to tell me she thinks something is going on. Perhaps you'd have to keep the details vague and allow her to discover the truth for herself.
And yet if I was in your shoes I'd probably keep the information to myself! Tough call, I certainly wouldn't rush to tell her anything.
So what if he's sleeping around? Well that would depend on the basis of your relationship, fine if you both agree it's OK.
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The problem here is that if you say nothing and she finds out that you knew about it but chose to say nothing then she'll hate you. If you tell her then she'll probably hate you anyway for destroying her marriage as in her case ignorance is bliss.
damned if you do and damned if you don't
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Let's just suppose 1920 is correct and that the hubby is indeed an active member of a sex club - this implies multiple partners which increases the risk of std's. Doesn't the wife have a right to this knowledge so she can protect her own health?
This happened to a friend of mine and as if the hurt and betrayal she experienced wasn't enough, she could not sleep for the week she had to wait for the results of her AIDS test - which thank god was negative.
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Maybe she does know about it... and is also a "member"...
You might be surprised how many "swinging" couples there are in HK, and it wouldn't be surprising that your friend woudln't disclose such an arrangement with you, for fear of being judged.
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1920 - how did you find out about this and are you absolutely sure it is true?
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If you were my best friend and knew my husband was in some sleazy sex thing,I would want to know. As bumpydog says multiple partners, diseases etc. I would want to be able to protect myself.There is a risk of damaging your relationship with your friend, but if your information is accurate (and you should be certain it is), I would want my friend to take that risk. Be sure of your facts, but protect your friend.
Royster Doyster's, 'so what if he's sleeping around' is outrageous when the he is MARRIED.
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The 3 posters so far who think the wife has a right to know - assuming that you know this for a FACT - are all married women, myself included. Maybe that gives you some indication of how your friend might feel about the situation.
Of course if she does already know, and is even a member of a sex club herself, there is no harm in telling her.
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I agree that the break up of a marriage should not be taken lightly and the potential damage to the child is significant. But the cause of the damage would surely the husband's ongoing deception of his wife (assuming she doesn't know) - not what 1920 does or does not say to her friend.
My friend who went through a similar situation was devastated - it took her literally years to get over her discovery that the man she loved and slept next to every night had a double life.
She later found out that some of her hubby had hit on some of her girlfriends and some of her other friends had strong suspicions about what he was up to, but none of them told as they didn't want to rock the boat - and that hurt her even more.
1920 - the easy option is not tell to her and to hope she doesn't find - but do you think that is the best for your friend? You know her, we don't. Do you think she would prefer to continue in a marriage that is a lie for the sake of the status quo? or would she prefer to know the truth and be able to decide herself what to do with that truth - accept it and stay with him or move on and start again?
Not an easy decision - I don't envy you.
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MayC
18 yrs ago
Well, as a married woman, I would want to know and I would appreciate it if my friend told me about it.
But make sure that the evidence is correct and not through word of mouth. The worse thing to do is to tell your friend and later find out that you didn't get the story right.
What a situation to be in!! Good luck.
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Ed
18 yrs ago
FYI: we regularly ban some loser who spams our members with invitations to sleezy sex parties so without question such 'clubs' do exist in HK
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ayumi you forgot to make sure its a high profile court case so his employers would know about his infidelities.
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Maybe because the employer wouldn't want a sex fiend as an employee thats why? And it could also open you up to blackmail thus put the company itself at risk.
Think of the bigger picture and the consequences of your actions as its not just about you and your weiner.
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Royster
A lot of companies have a certain code of conduct obviously and don't want employees involved in that sort of behavious because your actions will reflect badly on your employer should it come out in the public domain.
I don't read either actually, I'm just calling it as I've seen it, even some companies frown upon office romances etc. You're in Asia now Royster where people will jump through hoops for any sort of benefit at other peoples expense.
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I find it interesting that Royster still hasn't replied to the question about how he would feel if it were his wife doing the cheating.
Royster, answer this. If you found out your wife is a member of AFF and has sex with other men while you're at work (I know a few women in exactly this situation), and your best friend found out, would you want to know? And once you knew, how would you react to your wife's infidelity?
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Oh... and I agree with the suggestion to confront the husband first.
I also agree that kids of divorced parents can have great lives.
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Ed
18 yrs ago
Not easy to reply when you've been banned...
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My intuition tells me it's not the first time.
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I went thru the entire thread , and 1920 if u r dead certain about this , create a new id and send a mail to your friend explaining about what her husband is doing and see what happens .By this way she would get the info , she would in her own way start her investigation and if she allready knows it and has her concent, she would ignore this mail. just a suggession ... try it
Dan
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And... any outcome? The guy got dumped?
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clan
18 yrs ago
All that 'free love' is all well and good if both parties are agreed to the 'rules'. However if one of you is unaware and the other is screwing around then it is called cheating. If both of you are ok with it then fine do what you want. If not and you want to continue then you need to find a partner who is open minded and accepting of this. Royster you are truly in there stirring it up.....I don't believe you for a minute...all bluff and bluster!
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