Posted by
cornflower
15 yrs ago
I'm worried that my husband may be having an affair or a relationship online. He's been on the computer a lot in the last year or so. We have two young children so I get exhausted and am usually in bed by 11pm. There have been times when I would wake up past midnight only to find my husband still on the computer. I didn't really think anything was amiss as he's home by dinner time most nights when he's not traveling. When I questioned him about his frequent computer usage, he's always very defensive. We moved to HK from Sydney 2 years ago. How do I find out if he's cheating online?
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very obvious: he is watching porn on the internet and 'releasing' himself there - especially as his wife is in bed at 11pm and probably not ready for any 'action'. he is defensive because he might a) feel ashamed that as a married man he has to do this, or b) he is worried that his wife might disapprove of him watching porn.
find out by checking his 'recent documents'. if you find a lot of jpg or mpg files, then you know he is watching porn pics or videos. also check his browser history. most people leave some traces
btw very common for probably 80% of all guys, so i would not worry too much. but as a guidance i would say if from above it's a) then be open to him and remove his shame by e.g. watching it with him. if b) get used to the fact that most men do this and leave him alone :)
of course there's a small possibility for him having an affair. does he use msn, gmail chat, skype chat? can u see who are his 'friends' on these chats (if any)?
maybe you should also once walk up to his computer when you wake up after midnight
last but not least, it could be that he is playing games...
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Why be bothered about it? Why not try and work on your relationship? If the relationship is working fine, he will have less interest in looking around. And as long as he knows where his home is, I wouldn't worry too much what he is doing and whom he is playing with.
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Let's face it, most TV and movies now days are rubbish ... and Men's viewership is declining rapidly, because (with the exception of sports and porn) most programming is more orientated to women. It has got the point where in the US advertisers are having problems reaching young men thru TV ads. On the other hand, the internet offers a lot of interesting content - news sites, sports, and other sites like this one. A lot of men spend time on line looking for innocent entertainment on-line, nothing sinister or dirty. Why not ask him if he sees anything interesting to share ?
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sicn
15 yrs ago
It depends. If you hear mostly clicking sound that's no problem. If lots of keyboard typing, you are in trouble.
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He could be watching porno.
He could just be surfing, I am often on line and before I realise it 4 hours have gone.
If he is typing then he could be on a forum like this one.
If he is deleting his web history then he may have something to hide. This is most likely porn. However some people routinely delete the history anyway, as it gets rid of temp files and cookies when you delete 'All'.
But most likely he is an internet adict, and he needs to get over it and remember his family. And remember his wife needs to sleep. I have had to learn not to used the computer after 10pm, in consideration of my wife's need to sleep.
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It is indeed funny to think that if a man spends a time on the computer the wife has to think that he is having an affair. Men on the other hand usually do not have the same theory when the woman is spending time on the computer.
You fail to realise that women find a lot of interesting things on TV - like watching chick flicks, the usual soap operas, chat shows etc. And given the fact that it is usually the woman who wins the fight for teh TV remote, the only time when the guy can check stuff out on the internet is after the wifes gone to bed. Please go read "men from Mars and women from Venus" kind of books to understand the differences in needs and behaviour patterns betwen the sexes. These have existed and will continue to exist and a harmonious relationship is where you accept those differences and manage around it.
You may well be right in your fear, but not every man spending time on the computer after 10 is having an affair !!! This is the kind of mistrust that results in a relationship breakdown.
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Thanks for your responses. Yes, I've considered if I've been part of the problem. I keep a cosy home, I'm raising two wonderful young children at home, have good dinners waiting for my husband whenever he's in town and not traveling. We spend about 30-40 minutes hanging out after I put the kids to bed. And then my husband's off to the study and starts to get on the computer. I've walked in on him when he's in the computer a couple of times when he's typing away furiously ... this is why I think he's having an affair online - either writing to a female friend or chatting with a female friend. I'm not sure how to gather "evidence" since I don't have access to his laptop and his e-mail password.
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SLJ
15 yrs ago
A VERY SINCERE PIECE OF ADVICE; by all means, don't try to dig up stuff from his "recent documents" or "recycle bin".
You'd just push him to the edge should you bring up those "evidents" should you two get into fights. Before you try anything, put yourself into his shoes; how would you like should your husband spy on your emails, SMS etc... Spend your time trying to work things out for the relationship, not destroying it.
Don't jump into conclusions.
Perhaps its a weird habbit; I personally tend to be at my computer 70% of the time when I'm home. Not necessarily doing anything in particular rather, a way of re-organizing my thoughts. A true "private & empty space" where things are under control under my finger tips.
Besides, those "evidence" would all become invalid in court, as they were obtained inappropriately (such as unauthorized usage of your husband's computer)
So on and So on. Think twice.
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Cornflower,
If you are convinced he is having an affair (I am not), the answer is NOT to gather "evidence", but find out why he is straying and fix it.
All men are different, but you should start with the assumption that men tend to look outside when they are not getting something they need at home.
Have you asked him what he wants in this relationship ? You appear to be focusing on the typical wife duties - keeping a nice home, cooking dinner, and bringing up children. Likely there is something missing, and you are boring him.
Good Luck.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
Cornflower, I can sense you’re hurt from the possibility and the anxiety of unknown. It is normal. Please be calm and recognize the fact he is home most of his free time. He is still your husband and the father of your children. You mentioned duty of a wife. But you didn’t mention happiness. Are you happy? Do you think your husband is happy? Are your family happy? Marriage needs all types of maintenance. I think it is about time to do the happiness check-up.
From what I see, your marriage needs a lot more honesty, communication, and energy.
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iwilltry,
I never said the husband was bored with the sex, I merely said he was bored, and missing something. That gap (whatever it is) manifests itself is his seeking something outside (in his case we suppose an internet friendship); which may or may not result in extra marital sex.
Frankly, I don't know what he's missing. As for his mouth, yes, a bit more communication is needed by both parties.
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Hmmm,
I have also been in HK for two years now, I come from Adelaide in Australia. The thing I really miss is my own private space, Aussie men always have had a place to call their own. Mine was a 10 metre square shed where I could be me and the wife feared to tread. I was in shock for about a year as I no longer had that freedom when I got here, my computer became my escape. Yes it is true that I have female online friends, I have also met some of them and chatted over lunch, it was this kind of doings that destroyed my first marriage. I deeply regret ever going near a computer, now I am doing it all over again. Don't let it happen to you!
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selda
15 yrs ago
I met a lot of married men who waste single women's time by pretending to be single on Internet dating websites. Some actually cheat on their wives, but the majority just like to flirt, want to feel desired, and end up having 'virtual' relationships with women who live in other countries.
The worst case was a guy who lived in Taiwan but was travelling to HK on a regular basis. We would meet for lunch, drinks, coffee, he was an incredible flirt, but always had excuses not to spend the evening in town. He would send very romantic emails when he was in Taiwan, lots of text messages, and even flowers, just to keep me hooked. Only several months later i found out he was married!
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Selda, how did you find out he is married??? am just curious...
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selda
15 yrs ago
because there are not many expats from his country in Taipei...and through the friend of a friend who lives there i did some investigation. As soon as i mentioned his name (not a very common one!) she told me that she knew him and his Chinese wife quite well!
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i800
15 yrs ago
Why women are always insecure? Well, try to understand that you are his wife and not his mother ....to command him what to do and what not to do.Stop thinking like mother.Secondly, Its very natural for a man to get online read news, articles and other informative things.Men are different from Ladies.Well, i stay up late at night and stay on the computer.My girlfriend understands it ....and doesnt trouble me ....thats what makes me feel comfortable with her.....as i always have my personal space.Husband is a partner not your pet.
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