Advice please

I have been living with my partner for 7 years but I have not been happy for a long time now. I have two teenage sons who live with my ex and his thai girlfriend. My oldest son and the girlfriend do not like each other and my other son only has 1 year left here before he goes to uni in UK. I have thought about leaving my partner so I talked to my ex about him and me getting back together and making a new home for my sons and him as he would be better off living with me than with his thai girlfriend. He said he would get me and our sons a flat together but he will stay with his girlfriend. Now I don't know what to do as my plan was for us to be a family again. He never said that he loves his girlfriend, I think he feels responsible for her as he brought her over to Hong Kong. My life is such a mess I don't know what to do!

Why wud u wish to share ur partner with someone else?

U should deserve better, no??

Question is, why would you want to go back with your ex? Ack!


You have to think about where your life stands at this moment. Its an assumption to say your ex doesn't love his gf. If this was the case he would not be with her. Its also an assumption that you can just go back to being "one happy family" by getting rid of your respective partners and cohabiting under one roof.


Just because you are unhappy with your partner doesn't mean your ex has to be the same with his. You wish to jump ship and your ex has been supportive enough to say he will get you and the kids an apartment, but has also made it clear that he does not feel the same way about his partner as you do yours.


If your basic issue is that you want to spend more time with the kids, you will get that, a good chance to live with them again. You will also be saving your older son from having to live with the thai woman he doesn't like.


If the issue is that you are not happy with living with your current partner and this status has been ongoing, by your ex offering to fund your escape to another apartment, that problem should essentially be solved, right?


BUT


If your main issue is that you feel you are getting older and do not wish to be alone while doing so...and that you seem to think that the man you have been split up with for so long is the one who will somehow make you happy, then you are up shi* creek and your paddle is nowhere in sight.


You need to sort yourself out, find out what you want for yourself, and since your ex has already made his bed and is choosing to lie in it, well...you kinda know that your life will not be that picture of bliss with all of you happily under one roof. Not to mention that for years your kids have been living with their parents being divorced...well, it appears that you may have read things the wrong way and thought all the years of a different life could somehow be mended and things could go back to yesteryear...rarely happens that way.


Your life isn't a mess. You are totally capable of getting yourself through this. It just may mean that you will have to do this by becoming strong for yourself, not by hoping others will make you strong or "whole". Your hoped for outcome of ditching what was once new for something that is older still, its just doesn't sound like the healthiest choice anyways. Your kids are teenagers, they will soon be grown and out of the house...then what? You best have a plan on how you are gonna make your life one that you are happy with. I am sure it may seem hopeless now, but its not. And you can do this...just figure a picture that doesn't have to include your ex as part of your fantasy.

justin: while i don't disagree with your post, the parts i read. but it's way too long for a forum discussion.

I, for one, have always enjoyed JC's coherent, well reasoned posts, length is not an issue for me, I prefer longer posts with depth as opposed to quick snippy posts.


Griffin, the reason he may not tell you he loves his girlfriend is because he is a nice guy and doesn't wish to hurt your feelings by gushing about his partner in front of you, don't mistake that for him not loving her...or worse, him still being in love with you.....

Griffin,

I think JC is right. You have to choose what you want to do with your life. There are plenty more fish in the sea, if you're not happy with your current partner, and your ex is not available, find another.


Do not despair... It's normal to have some bumps along lifes road... your life is not a mess.


I used to wonder why so many songs are about love & relationships... now I know; this is the most demanding part of our lives.... love can bring pain, but so much purpose, fulfilment and joy also.


good luck.