Posted by
Mary J
15 yrs ago
My boyfriend's friend is getting married, and there's gonna be a bachelor party with strippers. The idea of strippers dancing around my boyfriend is giving me a lot of troubles and I can't get over it. I dont want to be the one who controls my bf and tell him not to go, even I have this request he wouldnt listen to me anyway because he doesnt want his friend to think that he has no freedom, eventually they will look down to both of us and this is a bigger problem to deal with. I know he doesnt go for the strippers , he just want to have fun with his friends, but it's not up to him if there's naked woman.
So there's nothing that I can do at all? I'm a traditional Chinese girl, and it's really hard for me. What could I do?
Thank you!
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trust is impt. in relationships. do you trust your bf?
the only thing you can do is to tell him about your concerns and leave it as that.
you said it yourself, you do not want to control your bf.
i think you do not trust your bf as much as you think you do.
similar situations like these will crop up even though you're married. being married means that one's social life revolves with your partner exclusively.
your husband will have friends outside the partnerships, friends he has at work. friends from high school etc and its going friends that are female and male.
the most impt thing is that the lines of communication are open and that both of you are honest with each other
be happy that he told you there would be strippers- some guys would just not tell their gfs about what's going on in their lives.
on the other hand, you too should have a life of your own, your own social friends outside of the marriage.
it does not mean that having friends outside a marital relationship means that you are cheating on your partner and having an affair and vice versa
it's about time you start trusting your bf because honestly i dont think you do.
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As Wiz Bang said, you need to trust him.
Because there is nothing you can do without either you, or both of you, looking really stupid.
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Of course I trust my bf not to sleep with a stripper. I'm happy for him that he's going to hang out with his friends and have some fun, only the strippers episode give me troubles, the way that I'm raised, it's not acceptable. Am I the only one having this kind of trouble? it's not necessarily a trust issue, it's something I believe in.
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maxis
15 yrs ago
Men like strippers - it is a fact. Even if he is nonchalant about it, he probably won't be overly uncomfortable about it.
Also men who have are "not allowed" to do boys things if their wife says they cant, look like limp noodles and lose respect from their friends.
You should let him go and have a good time, and don't make him feel guilty by asking questions afterwards.
Having strippers is no need for concern.
Now if he was going on a weekend "golf and sauna" party in China, you should freak out! But that is not the case.
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only the strippers episode give me troubles, the way that I'm raised, it's not acceptable.
CONSIDER THIS - if you are so dead set about the your values and your beliefs - and everything is black and white - then before getting married, you should have a very serious discussion about your beliefs etc. with your husband to be and vice vera or else your marriage could be one big bumpy ride.
your bf and soon to be husband may have a different belief system than yours or a belief system that is not so rigid and strict as yours. he may see things differently. you cannot impose your beliefs on anyone that is not raised with the same set of beliefs as yours without any repurcussions
when similar episodes or events like this (something against your beliefs and your standard of acceptability) crops up - you and your husband are going to clash.
the way i see it, strippers are not the issue here. it's just the tip of the iceberg.
there's something underlying that's causing your anxiety more than strippers.... and i think it needs to be addressed.
the issue i think is that you do not find strippers acceptable. end of story. period. case closed. no room for discussion.
see - there is no flexibility/ and or a little openness on your part.
marriage is a partnership and a give and take. if it has to be your way or no way jose. where is the give and take, where is the flexibility and open mindedness to his/her partners beliefs and values?
==========
"Of course I trust my bf not to sleep with a stripper. I'm happy for him that he's going to hang out with his friends and have some fun, only the strippers episode give me troubles"
yes you trust him but there is a condition...
trust is unconditional.
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Thanks for the valuable insights, Wiz.
I wish I could take things rationally, but there's also emotions involved, that's what is hard.
So what kind of compromise I can do? what kind of flexibility I should have? seems like none, I like it or not, it's gonna happen.
The only way is accept it, isnt it?
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i do not know what you want from this forum - sympathy? an ally? someone to take your side?
clearly from your posts - you're firmly set on your beliefs i.e. it's your way or the highway.
you're going to be married soon, as i said marriage is a partnership of two people. therefore one has to learn work TOGETHER with their partners to make things in your relationship work, without one controlling the other.
you are making it a battle of the wills
moving forward in your marriage, if there are issues that comes up that is against your beliefs again - what then? are you going to shoot down everyone who does not share your beliefs? it's very lopsided.
i agree with p. mason. the relationship will go no where if YOU control other people to do what YOU think is the correct way because it's YOUR belief.
there is no one that cannot decide and tell you what you have to do. we can only give you the truth as we see it.
the best thing you can do is to have a long talk with your future husband about your beliefs, and his beliefs and other stuff like money, raising kids and how you two can meet in the middle or reach in a compromise, and make decisions TOGETHER. lay down both of all your cards on the table including expectations and goals so there are no surprises later on.
also i do not think that you have to sacrifice your beliefs. what i am saying is you two have to find a middle ground.
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cd
15 yrs ago
To Mary J, I agree with you. I have been married a long time, and I trust my husband 100%, but I would not be comfortable with my husband watching strippers with a load of mates. I wouldn't stop him doing it but I wouldn't like it.
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My intention to write down this post is to see what other people think about it, and also see if I can find my way out of troubles. I dont need sympathy or blame or any kind of negative feedback on my feelings, good or bad this is how I feel, I dont control my feelings, and when it's not good, I need to let it out.
To mason, You can't suspect anything because you dont know who I am. If you read the whole thing, you will see whether I like it or not, he's going to the party and see the strippers. you get controlling out of this?
I want help from other people's replies, not judgement, not blaming. situation like this, it's nobody's fault, nobody to blame.
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and it's time to stop thinking me, me! ME! AND ME! and learn to think more of WE, WE, WE!!
ps. it does not mean that you lose your identity but rather it's time to take into consideration your partner's belief and feelings too. It's not going to work if your attitude is "This what I believe and think, I don't care what everyone else thinks and says so"
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Mary J, the fact is that most guys will have been on one, if not many, stag parties involving strippers. It is usually excruciatingly embarrassing for all concerned and especially the groom-to-be (which is the whole point of the exercise). It is about as sexy as watching paint dry. Craig's experience is one involving hookers, not strippers, so I am sure you needn't worry. And it does work both ways, of course. I was in a bar in Elgin St last Fri when a group of girls on a hen night had male stripper. It was just fun and funny. Everyone had a good laugh and there was no debauchery. Indeed, in the wimmins' section here, someone is asking for a male stripper for a hen night. But for you, Mary, it doesn't appear to be about trust but about your finding it "unacceptable". Well, there isn't much you can do about it is there, in reality? So you have to accept it. Just don't give him a hard time afterwards.
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Mary J, where is the stag party being held. If in HK it is far less likely to be a Craig-style stag party than if was being held outside of HK.
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The party will be in GZ, that's where his friend lives.
I'm not worried about my bf has anything to do with strippers, no, he's a good guy. I just dont feel comfortable about naked women dancing around him, just dont like the idea. The strippers in GZ can be cheap, the party organizer will hire a few, I'm sure. But it's fine, if I have to accept it, I'm OK with it.
Well, my boyfriend doesn't want to see strippers, he thinks it's degrading men and women; I dont like him to see strippers; probably the groom-to-be doesnt want strippers either, but the party organizer thinks that will spice things up and make it more fun, and it doesnt seems even the groom-to-be can control his own party. I was just thinking how complicated the society is the other day: we have to do things that we dont like for someone that we barely know.
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classic example that proves the point: the stag night is not for the groom but for his friends!
btw the groom and your bf are quite nice to you. they tell you all the things you want to hear. anyway, enjoy your hen's night!
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your boyfriend & the groom-to-be told you that they don't want to see strippers or have them in a Bachelor party? so what do they want to do? Did they tell you what're they going to do? Read out poetry or something? lol...
Just don't believe what you want to believe, that's just not real.
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The updated news is, the party is going to continue somewhere outside the city afterwards. what does that mean? does he have the free pass no matter what's gonna happen in that party and I'm not supposed to say anything even it might not be a decent party? I accepted if it's going to be in the city, but now it's outside the city....
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why dont ya just ban the guy from going so you'll be happy and be in control of the situation.
better yet just tell them instead of a typical bachelor's party - to arrange a tea party with scones and jam and clotted cream. would this be decent enough for you?
this is a just one incident. in your married life - you'll face more difficult situations- from the looks of things, you want to be his mommy telling him what is right and what is wrong from YOUR point of view and that he should do what you say or else you'll get into a hissy fit? a nervous breakdown?
maybe you should get him a chastity belt or better still arrange for a chaperone to go to the party with him so that YOU will feel comfortable that he will do things YOU think are right.
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good idea jobin.... and better install a pinhole video / camera thingy on his clothes so you can monitor his every move... if YOU find anything against YOUR beliefs, then install a low electric shock device so YOU can zap him so he won't behave AGAINST YOUR beliefs.
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So, Wiz, you are telling me I'm not allowed to have any negative feelings when I know the party is going to continue somewhere half an hour outside the city, in some hotel on some hills? meanwhile I can't say anything about it? are you telling me that I'm being totally unreasonable and being a selfish bitch? I'm sure most of the guys here know what this kind of party is about, it's in mainland, and those people who are attending the party are all westerners, who can't want to have a GREAT time, and "bachelor party" is a perfect reason for them to do whatever they want: naked women, massages, sauna, and non-expensive.
You are not trying to help out, you are just being judgemental, you are just trying to make me feel bad, I dont need this.
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mary J - you are creating your own demons - that's my point.
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dongguan, guangzhou, pattaya, phuket, wherever whenever... does it matter?
when two people are in a strong relationship, and their relationship firmly grounded = fear will not be nagging in their heads that their partners will do something to jeopardize that bond.
it also takes a certain maturity for a person to trust that their partner that they will not do anything detrimental to the relationship.
judgemental ? maybe
but have you looked into yourself really - me thinks that you really want everyone here to rally behind you and to support you in your beliefs that whatever your bf is going to do is a baaaaaaaad and terrible thing ...
if you really against this bachelor's night - go take it up with your bf and his friends. that will certainly clear the air.
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if he insist to do something that you dont like, what can you do to him?
which one is better? he tell you he go for the party with stripper or he lie to you and having a whore in a hotel room with him??
you said you want other ppl's opinion, right? I am chinese girl and i have no attitude for the strippers in a PARTY.
If he really cheated on you, really, no one can help.
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I don't think u shld be worrying too much, since he is telling u his plans and wat are they gonna do....so y keep having negative thoughts abt it?
Agree with some of the posters above.
If you push it too hard and u might ruin this relationship. And if u can't trust him, u better leave him. No Trust No Love.
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C'mon MaryJ, loosen up, dear, it is just all for fun. If guys want to cheat, stripper or no stripper, they manage. You just have to trust your b/f unless proven otherwise. I do understand your beliefs and fears, most women will be, but the thing is you need to loose the thread and see how he goes... and I do not agreed that having strippers is degarding men and woman, but this is just my opinion.
I suggest to take this opportunity to have a serious talk with your b/f, let him know that you are a conservative girl, what your values and beliefs are to establish a clearer picture of what to expect of each other, it would also be beneficial to your relationship.
In the meantime, don't lose sleep over this issue, with or without your approval, the guy is going to (for whatever reason he may have - save face, friendship...etc), why worried over things you have no control of.. just wait and see how it goes, who knows, it may not be as bad as you imagine...
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mary, only one comment from my side:
i really really really hope that your girlfriends are organizing a very hot, muscular, and well endowed male stripper for your hen's night. you seem to be in need of some relaxation...
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Feminism is dead. We've been seeing alot of saying that- women, now, should just act like guys, f*ck around like guys, becoz if we don't accomodate, if we don't lower our moral standards, if we don't downgrade our emotional feelings as shallow as a plate like men have, then we are just doomed to eternal mental sufferings. We have to make so many adjustment while the guys are just sitting around assuming "ya we are men thats how we are." I'm sick and tired of these bull.
I know nothing about being traditional chinese or whatnot- bachelor or bachelorette parties are lame.
I'm idealistic, and thats what love should be- when i'm in love with someone to the point that I'm marrying him, reaching that milestone in one's life - then why the hell do I want to look at other guys?
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Hello Mary J,
I am sorry to scare but you must know that things are not as clean as they are in China. It is not always just strip and leave. Most of the times, these girls will force themselves on the foreign men to make extra money. They will leave their cards and phone numbers also and probably call the guys constantly.
There are also always so many new techniques/styles that massage parlors etc offer to entice clients and for them to pay more money. My husband phone is always going off with sms telling him of which new hotel is opening and what new styles available and how many girls that are new that are available. Go to utube and search macau prostitutes or Zhuhai prostitutes and you will see what I mean.
Most of the girls also are young and uneducated and so do not make protection a priority. They would not mind having unprotected sex if the clients wanted it and it makes them happy
So said, tell your boyfriend that you are well aware of what is going on in China. Also, you fully understand that this bachelor's party is important to his best friend.
You are concened about what is going to happen becuase it may not be his desire to cheat but when when presented with a situation with naked women and alchohol, you are concerned because your relationship is special to you and you want him for yourself only.
You will treat him like an adult and give him the benefit of the doubt but he must not take your trust for granted or you may not be able to trust him again. Dont throw everything away for one night and it will give you the confidence not to do this to him.
God bless and put this all in His hands
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cd
15 yrs ago
I'm still with Mary J on this one. It would interesting how many men out there would be happy if it was their wives/girlfriends going on this night out, with the likely hood of lots of naked men pushing themselves at them, and the risk of cheating very high. Would you all still think its just a bit of fun, good luck to them, and go and do whatever with my blessing. Methinks not.
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Mary J. Agree with cookie09. You are not married as yet. Have fun- go to a bridal shower with hunky male dancers who are willing to stip naked and ance around with you for money. I met a hot Brazilian hunk who dances at clubs in guangzhou. I have his phone number but never called. You should get his for your party. He is such a gentleman. When he meets you, he kisses your hand. That's south american for you. Willing to give you info if you would like
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The party was over last Sat. The only thing I know was, there were 6 stippers, in a small bar in Sekou. I dont know any other details. My bf came back to HK the next day with a bad hang over.
I agreed with magnolia_khan, I'm idealistic as well, but it's me VS the whole society, it's against my moral but apparently it's normal for other people. Why does a man have to see other naked women before he get married to someone he says he loves? just because it's a tradition? it doesnt make any sense to me.
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mary it's over. let's move on and enjoy your wedding!
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just because it's a tradition? it doesnt make any sense to me.
each culture has its own traditions and customs - it does not and will not make sense to some of us either but as they are traditions and customs, it is respected and are observed and done.
Stag Party -http://www.pressbox.co.uk/detailed/Society/Origins_of_Stag_Parties_83257.html
It is a celebration in the groom's honour, although it may not seem like it at the time, and is sometimes known as his last night of freedom to answer the call of the wild and get up to activities which his future wife may not approve of.
They have an image of being rowdy and boisterous
The consensus seems to be that it was originally called the bachelor dinner, or stag party. Like many other wedding traditions, the custom seems to extend back into ancient history. Evidence suggests it first came about in the fifth century, in Sparta, where military comrades would feast and toast one another on the eve of a friend's wedding. There he would say goodbye to the carefree days of bachelorhood and swear continued allegiance to his comrades.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
Bachelor of Bachelorette Party, I think one of the original idea of having such party was to relax the bride and groom before that biggest decision in life. But it seems nowadays it is getting out of control into excuses of wild parties mainly to entertain the guests... I doubt the groom or the bride would have too much fun out of it however I do hear horror story of nerdy groom-to-be fell in love with the hot dancer his "lovely" friends arranged for him with big buck... But I think that is the case he shouldn't get married at the first place. The moral is not about the party, but how people behave in it.
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my hongkong, i totally get what you "described", and it works both ways, i mean when a man strays.. and how his girl/woman/partner feels..
again, very good point, and very well reasoned..
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Hello Lyod, I dont stay home and wait hopelessly for my husband anymore. albiet he has started staying home with the kids as he knows the end is near, I now do take time off with my friends and go out to have a drink and a dance.
Was surprised the Brazilian gave me his number when all these Chinese girls was so trying to get his attention.
I must admit his flirting did make me feel a little better about myself and the fact that I did catch his attention (even though I know he is a flirt)
Yes, my husand is worried but I am giving him a bit of his medicine back. Unfortunately not at the same level that he was doing it at.
Asked my husband why he was so good to me and faithful before marriage. He admitted that it was because so many men was running after me that he had to win.......
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Asked my husband why he was so good to me and faithful before marriage. He admitted that it was because so many men was running after me that he had to win.......
caveman mentality... what can i say
just move on gzwife, move on - tough luck if he wants to enter the race again
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Wiz bang, thanks. Isn't that funny about men? That's life isn't it?
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