Posted by
rats
19 yrs ago
Can two persons from different race and nationality really communicate well in a 2nd language and form a long-lasting romantic relationship?
I personally think it works, but after hearing so many negative opinions from others, I can't help doubting from time to time...
Here are two major negative points:
1. Communicating in a 2nd language can never be as good as in mother-tongue, no matter how good you can master the 2nd langauge.
2. Culture difference still plays a big role and constantly threatens the relationship no matter how much one try to downplay it and how much one claim himself as 'open-minded' and 'cosmopolitan'.
What's your say?
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Language or cultural differences have no adverse effect on a romantic relationship. Don't even the deaf/dumb (with all due respect) develop such a relationship??
2nd language acqusition and communication are linguistic issues that have other relational implications. But with romance, I think, all one need to do is to keep an open mind and it will be unstoppable.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Shag- of course language and culture difference have adverse effect on a romantic relationship as they will lead to a bigger change of misunderstandings, which can be lethal to the relationship.
The deaf/dumb can communicate with each other by using 'sign language' - in a way their first langauge. They maybe deaf/dumb but can still be of same race and same culture background. Plus, they have another bonding factor, i.e. being 'deaf/dumb'- probably have gone through the same hardship and have more understanding/tolerance of one and other.
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shaq
19 yrs ago
Rats >> You could be right, but not entirely.
All I wanna say is that language and cultural differences become issues when they matter to the people in the relationship. Otherwise, believe you me, life and romance is so beautiful. Cheers, Rats :-))!!
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Just for your information rats - your politically incorrect statement of deaf/dumP is also incorrectly spelt! the word you're looking for is 'dumb'. Yes, you were right to know a silent letter went on the end, but you got the wrong one!! To dump is to sh*t!
Anyway...
When I have had breif affairs into other language speakers, I have found I learnt more about the use of their everyday spoken language, their culture and surprisingly more about my own language. I have become really interested in languages since having passionate holiday romances!!
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rats
19 yrs ago
Shag- I definitely know how beautiful life and romance can be. ;) Unfortunately, sometimes language and culture differences do bring trouble to the relationship. Not that the people involved consiously remind themselves about the differences and how problems may therewith arise; the problems just creep in and when you are aware of them, harm has already been done. ;(
lammasita- just typo, don't need to grab the chance and blatantly stab one to death :p
By the way, brief affairs or passionate holiday romances may be fun and steamy, but we are talking long term relationship here.
And if you find my statement politically incorrect, please explain why.
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Here here Bear!
Rats – If I was stabbing you with a knife then it was a plastic one!! Didn't mean any harm, it's just you repeated it so many times all I could picture was a deaf person having a huge dump!! It just disturbed me, that's all.....
As for the explanation :I innocently thought with todays climate for 'proper speech' and all, that 'deaf & dumb' wasn't the right thing to say anymore.... I think they had it stopped because people then thought all deaf people were dumb, which is not the case......
...someone help me out here!!!
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Bear - past experience? We all know you used to live in Korea. Tell more...and 2000WON is not that must money! She was setting her sights low!
And yes, Lammasita, I am meant to be studying for my exam, but I find this slightly more funny, and a great way to procrastinate.
On the subject - language and culture matter to some - they are the group who are not successful at interracial (is that word on the thread heading even politically correct in this day and age??????) relationships.
Intercultural relationships do and can work, I have seen happy and long lasting couples many times over. Problems can be fun to work out together, rather than just knowing how someone will react. I mean for me, the boy next door that I grew up with and loved for a few years from the agae of six ,and I grew out of at the age of eleven, was really hard to undertsand why he was the heartthrob of every girl at secondary school, and only ever used to talk to me. Nobody got it, but and he used to just wink at me and tell everyone that "I was the girl next door"...we giggled a little - our secret, but I wasn't and he wasn't interested after the age of eleven. BTW the extent of that relationship was catching tadpoles, and swimming together, and hearing my mother bitch about his mother. That just attracted me to their family even more....
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rats
19 yrs ago
Bear- the example is funny, but why has it related to 'money' ??
Of course language and culture differene are not the main reasons why a relationship failed, but they sometimes make a relationship more difficult. Dating someone of same race and bg is easier after setting other factors involving in a realatship aside.
lammasita- don't worry. I am still whole and alive...
Acutally if one is deaf but not dumb, he still learn sign language to facilitate the communication.
Mind you, the ones who use sign languages have 'langauage difference' as well if they do not learn the 'international signs' at the first place. ;D
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this sounds like someone who actually wants to say that interracial relationships DON'T work but is conniving to make herself better than thou.
Read carefully everyone. She is making a point in an underhanded way.
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Well, maybe you would want to hear some comments from my own quite "rich" experience :-).
It was late 17 when I first loved a guy. He's also an Asian but from other country and we both were living then in Europe as students. I used to live with his country fellows, therefore I learnt to speak his language. After about a year or so I could speak with him in his own language fluently and we communicated in his language only.
My second boyfriend was French. I could not learn his language then although I wanted it very much, so we spoke the second language.
I had afterward another boyfriend from my own country.
And my current one is German and we use English, my fourth languge which is not as good as you can observe it.
What I can say is that culture is one of the most crutial factors in any relationship. Our bahavour is explained by our culture, our background where we've been brought up. Europeans (westerners especially) and asians behave so differently in the same situation. Take an example of speaking out our own opinion alone. Westerners do it very freely while Asians tend to keep silent. It happens in romantic relasionship as well. But with the awareness of these cultural features then its acceptance and finding a way to deal with it, the interracial relationship works well.
While language and culture are very important to a romantic relationship, they are not dicisive though. Misunderstanding also happens to people from the same country. So to me, the "critical success factor" :-)is our ability to accept our partners as they are. I am talking about serious relationship, not like the one The Bear quoted above. And of course, all this cannot be without love to one another.
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yes, interracial relationships work but they take huge amounts and vast reserves of understanding, patience, study, and compromise.
my bf is northern european and i am asian; on top of that, we're in an LDR. i just got off skype with him. during our conversation he made a comment that ticked me off, which is directly related to our cultural differences. even though i am not a traditional asian (having grown up, studied, and worked abroad), i at most a hybrid of sorts - neither am i completely "westernized" by any stretch of the imagination. he made a comment about a certain lifestyle standard i have (and have always had, since time immemorial), which is common throughout asia but not in europe or north america. it doesn't matter what that standard is - what matters is how the difference/conflict arose, and how we handle it. as wildorchid pointed out above, he is much more direct and forthright in expressing his opinions, and as such made his pronouncement without hesitation - and in MY opinion, without tact, understanding, or factual basis. anyway as i said i didn't like his comment but i bit my tongue and will deal with it when we speak again later today when he's fully awake. i will then correct his assumption as to why i have this lifestyle standard, and why it is important for me that he not dismiss nor condemn it, and that he respect the cultural differences between us.
here's a tip: taking a trip together is a real test of whether or not you can overcome your cultural differences. one trip in your home region, one trip in your s.o.'s home region.
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rats
19 yrs ago
womanonfire - You get me wrong! I will never do things underhand. No one tells you that I am straightforward, and even blunt? ;P Of course I try to be positive towards such relationship , becuase I am in one (!) and a LD one (!!). Just got a bit confused and have cold-feet as I am going to tie the knot soon :P . Moreover, it can be interesting to see how others conceive such a relationship...
Wildorchid- thanks for sharing your stories.
voiceofreason- thanks for your thread and so well-put the whole situation. Indeed sometimes having such relationship demands great effort and is really tiring ;( Hopefully the love and joy remind you that it's worth it.
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VOR--and anyone else--- were you a Third Culture Child??
3CC's used to be almost exclusively missionary's and diplomat's kids, then "military brats" were added, and now there are more "expat brats" than the other three categories combined!
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it solely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one corner of the earth all one's lifetime." -- Mark Twain
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lulu
19 yrs ago
i just thought if this is not long distance and both are NOT speaking the 2nd language, then it is fine. So i never go out with German, japanese, etc. if their 1st language is not English. Better if they can speak Cantonese!
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I totally agree with Wildorchid. My last relationship fell apart because we could not share our feelings to one another. Even though she and I are Asians, but from diff countries, and we knew each other's language fluently, we had a cultural gap that eventually split us apart. She was raised up in Asia and I was brought up in the States. Whenever problems arised, she kept her feelings to herself for days before relaying them to me. Of course, by that time, I didn't have the urgency to attend to those feelings like I would have if they were conveyed to me during our "disagreements." I always wanted her to be more open, but she couldn't change her cultural ways.
Bottom line - if the language barrier doesn't get in the way, than the cultural differences will. However, true love will always prevail no matter what obstacles lie in the way.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Vofr- any update? Problem solved? (good luck!)
Patron- sometimes westerner will hide their feelings or simply not good at expressing their feelings. I know how it is…
You break up with your gf just because she wasn’t open enough? Didn’t you say ‘true love can prevail….’? Shouldn’t love also involve making comprises? As you know what exactly the problem is, maybe you just need to be more attentive when she ‘pours our’ her discontent.
Um… probably it just wasn’t the ‘true love’ you were talking about, huh?
Bear- I know what you are talking about, as said, just such a relationship usually takes more effort and it can be really wearing...
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thanks, rats & ezekiel - yes, problem solved. bf is just ignorant about certain things, but he is not a bigot - there is a huge difference. ;-) ignorance can be corrected - we are all ignorant about SOMEthing, and can easily learn through exposure and understanding. bigotry on the other hand is a character flaw and should be avoided like the plague.
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rats
19 yrs ago
vofr- glad to hear that! :D What's the lesson learnt this time?
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not to use one's own home country standards and practices to judge or criticize another's... ;-)
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Many inter-racial relationships work.
Many relationships go down the plug-hole, for many reasons.
Sometines it is culture clash, other people just clash. Hell single race relationships fail. They just can't blame it on culture.
On the second language issue. LOL. I know tow couples.
Couple 1. He is from US speaks no real Chinese, she Chinese speaks no real English. They met and married in Japan and both speak OK Japanese.
Couple 2. He Spanish, speaks no Chinese. She Chinese speaks no Spanish. They met in England and they speak in English.
Both relationships are very strong.
Own experience. Me speak crap Chinese, wife Chinese speaks OK English. Her daughter, form first marriage speaks OK English. Mother in law speaks no English. We all get by in a practical sense and are happy. My wife lived in UK and understands the cultural difference. I live in Shanghai and now understand a little of how she felt in England.
What we do share is empathy.
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rats
19 yrs ago
Tigerbay- what an encouraging thread, thanks!
I didn't say it doesn't work, just it probably takes more effort. And when people around you keep telling you the same things (as i posted the thread at the beginning), your start to lose faith and wonder, esp. when you are having a bad moment with your partner or getting a cold-feet for marriage.
It sounds scary to be with someone for at least 50 years... hahahaha
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