Posted by
lisa233
14 yrs ago
Would appreciate advice on the above problem.
For about 6-8 months now, someone who was formerly a close friend has been- I feel- making excuses not to see me- she's always busy, or if I ask her to go for a drink, she kind of puts me on hold.
I just don't know what to do.If I could get her to spend a little time with me, I would ask- in a nice, non confrontational way, if I've done something wrong.(Oh, hang on, I did do this, I've just remembered.I asked her this on a night out last autumn and she said, no, of course not.)
I feel so frustrated and upset, and now I feel angry-I wouldn't do this to someone I cared about.I've had an extremely rough 6 months work wise, health wise and emotionally.My friend knows very little about this, of course, as she's not really spent much time with me, but all of that, on top of my problem with her, is really beginning to take its toll.
What is the best way to take this forward in a positive way?
Thank you.
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Is your friend Chinese or a westerner?
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A westerner.If I say so myself, I feel like I'm a supportive person and a good friend.I listen to people and sympathise, send texts to ask how my friends are, try to arrange nights out, buy presents etc.I feel like I'm getting into a pattern with people where I give a lot, and don't get much back.Of course, I'm not perfect.I've asked her if I did something wrong, and if I get the chance I'll ask her again.My first thought in this sort of situation is- is it me?What could I have done wrong?So, it's not like I'm trying to blame her, although like I said in the original post, I feel like I'm running out of patience.Should I try to message her again/ put my concerns into an e-mail?
I just don't know what to do for the best, and feel very down about it.
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generally speaking your friend is sending you a message. and that message is 'i have moved on in life and you're not one of my priorities anymore'
so take this on board and move on
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But maybe there's been a misunderstanding, or something I could put right? I understand that friendships change, but shouldn't I try to do something about it?
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FIFIB
14 yrs ago
It is time to move on.
Same thing happened to me, I asked my formerly friend if I did something wrong or why she was avoiding me, she said I was paranoiac but then she kept finding excuses not to go out.
So one day I said to myself: If you are going to leave me, leave me with my dignity, so never called her again she did not call me either and that was it.
Try not to think about it and don’t blame yourself.
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before i make my suggestion I would like to list my assumptions, otherwise my suggestion would not be appropriate:
-you are FEMALE
-the two of were NOT romantically involved
-you have NOT been stalking her the past 6mths i.e. calling/texting/emailing her constantly; walking past her work/home, etc
If the above passes, i would suggest you to send you text or email to the effect of asking her if everything is okay (a friendly msg to make she not in any trouble) and that you miss her friendship and would like together.
I would leave it at that and let her decide to contact you. if she calls back great. If not, then walk away with your head held high.
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"But maybe there's been a misunderstanding, or something I could put right? I understand that friendships change, but shouldn't I try to do something about it?"
this is sooooo female, it makes me cringe....
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Thanks, bbrave, that's helpful.Cookie09- well, I can't help being what I am- a female, so if it makes you cringe, that's a pity, but I don't really care.What I said was honest- if I've done something wrong, maybe I should put it right.
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Puti
14 yrs ago
I am a great avoider of friends at times of huge emotional stress.
About a year ago I became depressed. I avoided all my friends, not answering phones and generally being, well, depressed.
Upshot - I have two friends who did not stop calling and when I was ready, I called back. It was hard to call because of the ignoring, but the friendly tones and the fact I never had to apologize for my outrageous behavior gave me the confidence to keep on calling.
Over time, I have reconnected with most of my friends, but those two are very special, as I know if it happens again, they will be there.
I guess I am trying to say - it might not be you, it might be her.
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Thanks Puti.That is a possibility, and one I've thought about.In my heart of hearts, I think she's just got fed up with me.....that's why I feel so sad.But you do have a valid point.Glad you have those special people who were there for you, and hope your depression has eased a bit.
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Lisa, I would be wondering the same thing as you, probably because I am a female :))), anyway, as in romantic relationship, genuine friendship is hard to find, a true friend is something that should be cherish, I would take bbrave's suggestion and see how it goes... good luck
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Friendship, like any good relationship, is a two way street. If you feel like you are giving more than you are getting and to top it off you spend a fair bit of time feeling down and full of self doubt, maybe you need to assess exactly where you see this friendship going.
I know a lot of people who have had to, when they were ready, face the fact that maybe that friend simply cares more for themselves than they do for others.
Part of the beauty of life is caring for others, this seems evident in the way you have approached your life friendships. But this isn't how everyone lives their lives...and sadly, who knows why your friend has backed away, maybe it could be coz she is depressed (which seems a hopeful explanation) but then again, maybe she just made other friends and feels like you are not her speed anymore.
No matter what it is, you shouldn't be sitting here going "What did I do wrong?" when deep down you know you didnt do anything wrong or you wouldnt be so damn confused trying to figure out what it was in the first place. Would you treat this girl like this? No. But she's doing this to you. What would she do if you just gave her the cold shoulder like this? Who cares! Its your life...what are you going to do for you?
I hope you can find a way to come to a sense of closure either which way you go about it. But I firmly believe that friendships are a two way street. Sometimes you need to know when its simply not going that way.
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Lisa
It sounds like you are trying waay to hard.
This may make you come across as needy. And I don't know you, but you do come across as needy. This often makes people put up barriers. Although they will never admit it.
As the old saying goes, 'A friend in need is a friend indeed'.
Or as the Two Ronnies once put it, "A friend in need is a pain in the ..."
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Friendship, just like any romantic relationship with a guy, is sometimes about feeling good (in a broad sense) when being with each other, but not only about how much you care, you give, you love towards someone. It is a two way street, as JCPD said above. Why don't you just give her some time? Perhaps what she needs is merely a break from you for a while, even for no reason behind at all?
In the meantime, don't you have other friends to hang out with? Why pressing yourself so hard by focusing on one person which sounds like she's your whole world? Well, if you really don't have other friends, then perhaps is a good time to widen your personal network.
Or.........you might want to reflect a bit if you, if not both, have developed a special feelings towards each other which might go beyond a pure friendship? Not sure but your extent of emotional disturbance of the whole thing made me come to think of this possibility.
Would it possibily a reason why she's avoiding you?
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Either you didn't do anything wrong, and for whatever reason, she has just gone off you, or you did do something wrong, and for that reason she has gone off you. But either way, she obviously doesn't wish to spell it out to you, so by you asking her directly what is going on, it will put her under pressure and make her less want to maintain contact with you. It may be that the freindship is over anyway, but I think being to eager to "resolve" the issue might actually push her further away.
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Now now, lol. Unless OP is your said stalker, it would be nice for you to cut her a bit of slack coz maybe she isn't as full on intense as your stalker is and may have a valid reason for feeling as let down as she is right now.
That said, lets hope for OP's sake that its not all unpleasantness for her in the end. :)
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Thanks, Justin- I'm not in any way 'full on' or intense, just concerned at why one of my friendships seems to have failed.
I do have other friends.
I don't constantly text or contact her.
I haven't developed any special feelings for her, it's a platonic friendship.
I'm not a needy person- people are always coming to me with their problems.It's just that in the last six months when I could have done with a little extra help myself, I've been disappointed that she's not really been around.That's all.
@ rozza- you're rude, and if it's'bugging you'don't read these posts.I actually find it strange that you could get so annoyed by someone else's problem.How about spending a little less time on line/ anger management classes?The only dumb person here is the one allows themselves to get so furious about the concerns of someone you don't know.....
FIFB, I'll be following your advice, thanks.If the friendship is coming to an end, it's coming to an end.
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Hey Lisa , I ve had a situation like where u r at now. Thing is u should just moving on. As she been giving u excuse not to c u . U should living ur life happily without depend on ppls or things. What I do is go & meeting more new frds . U will realized that u feel more happier by ur self , but not anyone, anything u look in for it. I m feeling happy , as it is coming from inside me. Looking forward t. New page & new face. Big luv & hug X Angie
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Ah, well, I have a few words for you. "Fair weather friend".
And that kind of friend is not the friend you want. You know, the one who can't give you the time of day when you are the one in need, but will have no problem with being the one to whine and moan and cry on your shoulder if they should be so inclined.
You are, as many others say, best off trying to just move on and go, "Hey, I am a good person, I deserve to be treated better" and then turn to the friends who aren't fair weather friends for the support you need.
Good luck.
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:) rozza that was mighty big of you. And I am sure OP knows now that you know she is not your stalker buddywannabe. Although I hope for your sake you are able to resolve that without too much of fanfare. I once had one of those bizarre acquaintances who would go around telling people that I was a best mate and then act overfamiliar every time we met...very strange. I had to put some distance between me and the acquaintance before it got claustraphobic for yours truly.
Not envious of your situation at all! Good luck.
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evlyn
14 yrs ago
hey lisa,
i say give the girl a break. recently i was in a similar situation, and i was eagerly communicating with good friend of mine, but this was the pace we had always been at from the start of out friendship. at some point she got annoyed and eventually started ignoring seeing me.
so i figured there is no need to waste my time i stopped all communication. no calls, no messages, email, nothing. and finally the friend returned to me. now she initiates the communication quite frequently and is always asking to meet. and i do meet her, but with much less enthusiasm.
and i hate to be cynical but my nature it is, it may have to do with something that she thought she could get from you and did not, so she has moved on to other options.
good luck.
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Thanks, Justin,Evlyn,Angie and Rozza.Good to get all sorts of opinions.Will just take it as it comes and try to accept it as one of those things that happen, and most things happen for a reason.Best wishes to you all for the wise words:)
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