Posted by
Ladyfinger
15 yrs ago
Hello,
I've been in some sort of casual no-strings attached situation with a guy, I enjoy his company and I like him but not to the point that I want to have commitment and he seems to feel the same though we never define what we are, we just enjoy the time we have together. We don't see each other regularly but only when we can make it, we hang out and normally spend the night together though this is usually not something planned we just want to meet in the first place; it's been a few weeks since we last met as we've been busy with stuff and I'd like to contact him to see what's up with him as he seems to be so quietly lately. I am inclined to do so but my friends said I would send him the wrong vibe that I may have expectation on him, though I only want to know how he's doing. Would it really make me look desparate if I am the one initiating the call/email/text just because I want to? Your thoughts pls..
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why wud u care if u sound desperate if u dun wanna be in a relationship with him?
it seems that u r just his booty call anyway
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tpol
15 yrs ago
If a girl I liked even though I was not that seriously into called, I would love it.
If it was some girl that I didn't like, I would gently say to her that I was busy and contact her when I am free.
Guys are simple animals. He wouldn't think you were desperate. Most guys don't think that much. They think more with their little head.
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Ladyfinger. To be honest, this is a tough one. If you are serious about him, don't call - or at least give it a while. If you just fancy a quick knee-trembler then call. What do you have to lose? For the record, I'm a guy.
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Thanks for your comments, we see each other casually with no obligations, at least not for now. I tend to hold this unorthodox view that there are times two people are attracted but only want companionship and romance without the pressure for something on a deeper level. It could be because they still need time to get to know each other despite the physical attraction, or it could be something else - work, life, other issues etc. It may develop into something more or it may not I just let nature take its course and don't really expect anything. I just think romance can come in many forms and as long as I am not causing harm to anyone and myself I don't see why I can't enjoy what I have got at present and not think too much if it leads to marriage or the future as who knows what's going to happen. Going back to my original question, I asked because of what my friends said about me sending the wrong vibe as they never call the guys even if they're in a relationship. That sort of makes me think a bit as I do take initiative from time to time..
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wait, let's get something straight here:
your friends, whom are in relationships, never even call the guy?!?!? Way to go.
so if the guy never calls them (which does happen) they will sit around moping for days, putting up silly threads asking for advice about (Why doesn't he call?) when all they have to do is simply pick up the phone and call or text the guy they are supposedly in a relationship with.
Yeah, I would be following their advice!
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My women friends only return calls but seldom initiate the calls, their boyfriends normally call them every day anyways so perhaps that's why they don't feel the need to do so, I don't know. But what they have been telling me is that guys are born hunters and they love to chase and win a woman over, if she is being upfront and does the opposite the guy will lose his interest for the lack of challenge or he will think she's putting him in the friend zone.. I am confused...
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My brother's wife first asked him out. They have been together for over 20 years.
There are no hard and fast rules. All men are not the same. All women are not the same.
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I agree with My HK. I think you are telling yourself one thing and knowing inside of yourself that the opposite is true : you do care for him. If it really were that casual a relationship on your part, it wouldn't even occur to you what might be up with him or whether he was being quiet lately.
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We're casual in the sense that we're both only looking for occasional romance and initimate companionship without the pressure if it will lead to anything more - at least that's how I define it. I do care about him, afterall he's also a friend, and someone I spend time with, but our work schedules just do not allow us to do stuff like frequent calls, emails, dates etc, personally my job strains me out I don't have the required time and energy to fulfill the obligation for/maintain a relationship at this stage when I just want to go home and sleep at the end of the day. He's in the same situation (we're both in finance) so we can only meet when either of us is free or feels like it. Anyhow got his call yesterday after work telling me he's been away on biz trip and I asked him out for dinner so we'll meet next week.. again I don't think my friends will approve haha
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A big thank you to all those who have responded.
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sicn
15 yrs ago
In the matter of love, timing is everything. Unfortunately for expat guys, timing is always the problem. Most of them, even the good ones, have to settle for frequent short flings. It seems you two have long-term potential. But his current position doesn’t fit for your schedule (tick tock tick tock…)
Maybe just tell him what you want and see how he reacts. If not the one you want, don’t hang yourself on one tree. Your timing is everything for you.
Never read the book about in or not into you... Is it some kind of bible on how not to love or to love less?
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lady, if i may give some opinion.
in a consensual no-string-attached situation, men will very much happy with it and will enjoy it as long as it can.
usually, the men will be the one who INITIATE the call/phone/contact.
occasionally, the women may try to initiate the call/phone/contact. the men will love to respond, even they might then try to direct the conversation to another 'intimate meeting'.
directly-speaking, as long as all contact/call/sms leads to intimate-meeting (sex) and everyone is happy about it, go for it. the men will love to 'know' that u like it like he did.
but, if the contact/call/phone/sms goes more into "how r u?" or those feelings things ... someone just start to change the course into a relationship port.
under consensual rules, the man will not go for it.
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Men are also capable of having feelings and falling in love. Even if things start as a 'no strings' deal. In this situation they can also feel insecure about taking things further down the relationship road, for fear of spoiling a good thing.
There is a tendancy in all forums, books, gossip over coffee; to see the world as black and white, or Mars and Venus. Generalisations are often helpful, but don't always hold true.
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Personally I've been in various situations, in those that started out as "casual" two guys ended up falling for me but I said no as I couldn't see a future with them, in some I developed feelings and was rejected so I was heart-broken, in some we just stopped seeing each other naturally with no hard feelings from either party as it just died between us, my experience seems to be telling me that every case, every person is different and there really are no set rules or outcomes.. With the "no-strings" relationship that I have with this guy, he's also an expat so I think it's better if we keep things are they are, he may be seeing other people like some of my friends suggested but I didn't think of asking, perhaps it's because my feelings toward him are simply not as intense though there is chemistry between us..
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you definitely care more than you think/say you do, - come on, what you are doing here asking for advices/suggestions/inputs in an open forum, if you did not care enough.
i know i would not.
fear plays a big part in this whole scenerio, for whatever.
If i did not care enough about a guy, i do NOT hesitate at all to call, or otherwise.
And if i do care, that's when all the calculations, loss and win maths come into play.
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I have a question for you Ladyfinger: What have you got to lose? He's already seen you naked.
You'd like it if he called you, what makes you think he wouldn't like it if you called him? Men truly are simple. A lot of things are black and white with them. And if he didn't like you, he'd not waste his time by letting you stay over, even though it wasn't planned.
Just go for it! Call him.
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For your safety, send a message to him, but do not send a second one till you get reply for the first one. And if you don't get reply for the first one. send message to another "casual" partner, use the same rule...
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kcmac
15 yrs ago
I agree with Indian Princess. Just call him. All this text msg'ing is ridiculous. No wonder people are lacking social skills. What happened to just picking up the phone.
And honestly, it takes more balls to pick up the phone.
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You are thinking about this too much: translation: you dig him.
I suggest you back away from the fire and just turn your back on it.
If all you need is an F-buddy, then the call would require no further thought and you know it. What does it matter what anyone else thinks?
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