Please help!! Cheater/lover/waster?

I'll try to cut a long story short.. about 3 years ago, I met a guy from Germany who was kind of engaged at the time. Well, she had said she didnt want to marry for many years to come and so it made meeting me easier. Even though I was the other woman and felt bad for it, we hit it off instantly and within months he told me he loved me. He was only here for 6 months and then had to return to his home country to finish studying. I thought he would marry her and that would be the end of us. But they soon broke up and we carried on with keeping in touch and meeting up 1-2 times a year or when we could because we both were really busy with studying and work.. I would go to Europe or he would come back for a visit to HK.


Whenever we could meet it was amazing and we were in touch almost every single day. He always planned to move back to HK and we dreamed of being with one another.. But recently he promised to take over a family business one day in the future in Germany which kind of changed things happening between us.. He soon ended things with me saying nothing could happen in the future because he wouild have to return to germany after some years even if he got a job in HK. But then a few months later, he came to HK to look for jobs in December, 2009 and showed up at my door! We fooled around for the 3 weeks he was here except he was a different man to who I knew. It turned out he had recently gone back to the ex girl.


Well as you can imagine, it was hard to take that in and I tired to get over him. but he returned again in Feb this year without her. She went back to her home country in Asia for personal reasons but hes come here to look for work and for the past few months we have been acting like we are in a relationship again but infact, i am the second woman again! We are very much in love but he went back to her and i couldnt understand it and he couldnt answer for it. He knows HK is my home and it would be hard for me to leave it one day to go to Germany to be with him and also because I do not fully speak the language. So I believe she was just his second best and someone he could settle with..


Recently, she found out about me and ended things with him. Now he can either stay in HK where he has always wanted to be and try to look for a job which he hasnt succeeded in yet, and try build a relationship with me, or just forget his dreams to be here and us. Yes he cheated on her with me years ago, and yes he did it to her again in the recent months. But I felt that we had something too in the past few years for me to not, even though it is selfish.


He could possibly cheat on me, that I know. But I also believe that some people make mistakes and cheat on one for who they love.


Do you think if he was able to go back to her after all those years and be with her for the past few months, that I shouldnt trust him or ask him to stay? Or do you believe some men make horrible mistakes and that good things can happen from them? He cheated on her with me which makes me believe I am who he wants and now that she knows and he has confessed it to her, he seems relieved about living a double life in the past years.. and still carries on with me.


I am very confused. If we try for a relationship, would I just be further wasting away my years in case i decide I cant leave for a life in Europe or for the chance that he may cheat on me? (I'm only in my mid 20s and met him early 20s. .he's 30) I always believed in us, and so did he. But now it's come to whether we can really have a relationship its hard for us to know what to do. Who out there believes that if you really want something, you can make it work and try to forget the past and just move on?


Please give me any feedback you may have. Much appreciated! And sorry if this description of us is hard to understand, its hard to write the past few years in so many words..

you're his (convenient HK) booty call and so far really never had a relationship with him. i don't think that will change anytime soon

Gosh Sunshine, it's a difficult one to answer.


People do cheat and realise their mistakes and end up being faithful to the person they cheated. True - that can happen.


BUT unfortunately, I would also have to agree with Cookie... you were a convenient booty call and that may not change.


You could try and have a relationship with him but I wouldn't give your whole life to this man - I would keep my eyes open for someone better to come along!

Cowboy is one more time invoked (this time via private message) so here I come!


"I met a guy from Germany who was kind of engaged"


Red flag number 1. You are not kinda engaged. You ARE engaged, dear.


"But they soon broke up "


Red flag number 2. Were you there when they broke up? Nope, you were here, they were in Germany.


"But then a few months later, he came to HK to look for jobs in December, 2009 and showed up at my door"


Red flag number 3. He told you he has to stay in Germany, then he comes back to HK...Did you think that is a mature thing to do? No, you didn't because you were too busy thinking that you are Cinderella.


"hes come here to look for work and for the past few months we have been acting like we are in a relationship again"


Red flag number 4. So, you found out he cheated on you (or on her with you, actually), yet you let him be with you one more time. Once again, you saw the evidence that he is immature, and that he cheated, yet you thought you could change him...that is the problem.


"He knows HK is my home and it would be hard for me to leave it one day to go to Germany "


Red flag number...oh forget it! You love HK, you want to be here. He loves Germany, he has his life there. He cheats and shows immaturity and YET, you still want to give it to him...


Now to the reality check (as if we need one at this point...):


"He could possibly cheat on me, that I know. But I also believe that some people make mistakes and cheat on one for who they love."


He cheated on you/her TWICE that you know of. For all that we know, he could be cheating with you both with another girl. There was a time I had 4 girlfriends at the same time + 2 lovers. Trust me, it can be done.


But let's not dwell in suggestions but facts. He cheated on you/her TWICE. That is a fact. Did you see him saying sorry for cheating on you? or sorry for being caught? If you/her never caught him, do you think he would confess?...of course not.


And on top of that you are considering moving to Europe. Moving to Europe is fine when you want to do so for your own reasons. You spend several years learning the language, or you get a job opportunity. Now, you want to move FOR LOVE. You will be in a foreign country without your support system (your family)..if you break up with him, your life will be over.


And yes, you will waste years of youth. Look around this forum! Full of women who are over 35 and think they can still find love, but they have to settle for inferior guys because the real quality guys will never go with old ruined women.


You are still young. Don't waste your life.

So what even you won the victory by marrying him as your desired happy ending? Afterwards you knew you're going to live out your day by worrying and suspecting he must be endlessly loving other girl(s) some where out there. Turning a blind eye? What's the fun then?


Few years of time investment is nothing when compared with a real relationship that's worth the rest of your life.

MOVE ON!!!

You can smell this a mile away.


You are so deluded!


He is after the right to work in HK. He aint after you.


Reading your post, I cant even make out when he was with who and then with you.


Can you really see a life with this man for 50 years?


More relationships and marraiges have broekn up with so much more going for it than this.


Give it up and leave him to chase someone even more deluded than yourself. I could use a different word than deluded but I wont.


Sorry if reality is harsh.

You dont really need to ask the world what to do - it is so obvious that you need to move on with your life and if you want to be with him then sit down and tell him the rules "your rules" - you have a right to be heard by him and your heart has a right to have feelings. I just think that as everyone else says it will end (as most relationships do) in tears but if during your time together you experience things that make you feel great then go for it - just beware of the innevitable.


I was a cheater once (big time) but after my wife sat me down, slapped me around a bit and made me realise what I had and what I had to loose I did realise that I had to make a choice - I chose to stay married and keep my family.


You dont have that situation exactly but you do have that option - exercise your option and exercise your rights to be heard about your expectations in the relationship - if it fails exercise your rioght to move on.


Meanwhile please think about what you have done too - by cheating with him you have broken anothers heart - are you happy with that? You need to address yourself as well as your situation.

TX Cowboy said it all so very right from start to finish. You shoudl take him in as a big brother.


If that guy you are after truly loves you, you wont be in this dilemma. Know why? because he have already asked you to marry him and take you back to Germany for good. But if for any reason he is slumbering off in HK, then maybe he is a loser and truly needs to live - as in need food, water and shelter which, where he came from it cannot be provided with ease and comfort than there in HK.


He needs to live, you want love. Then maybe you can be together. But since he havent asked u to marry him yet, then he is not that desperate yet. :D he can still fend his mouth.


Sorry and sad to say. But yes, you are still young. when u got to the point of middle age, and is still dateless and desperate, thats when we get the guy who just NEED to live (tip: they are western men on pension and divorced and feelin nothing is going on with their lives). Right now, explore and be there where the decent men are.