Time to call it a day?

It's hard to know where to start with this one. My husband and I have been together for 3+ years and married for 1.5 of those. We have a gorgeous 3 month old girl.


We have been through an awful lot in the time we've been together (bust up with business partners/ legal issues etc) and I have stoically and unconditionally supported him throughout- he has continually dumped all of his anger/ negativity onto me even when I was heavily pregnant & indeed just after the birth of our child (he stormed out on me when she was 3 days old)... things are very stressful for us at the moment - new baby, new business, credit crunch etc but whilst I'm doing my best to support him he's giving nothing back.. e.g the other day I said I thought I might be slightly

depressed & he continued on his email. When I brought him up on it an hour later he said he was too busy and I was ridicuous to feel upset at his response... later he apologised but when I looked for some reassurance (a hug etc) he launched into another diatribe about how miserable he was (with a subtext that its all my fault)


this is just one of countless situations - he says he's sorry & willl try not to dump or be supportive but nothing changes. Yesterday we had a blazing row over very little - he was rude

& arrogant & refused to talk - he now wants to put it behind us but refuses to accept any responsibility - he says he is how he is, all this is my fault & if I don't like it...


I'm at my wits end. I love him and I want our relationship to work. I want our daughter to grow up with 2 loving parents in the same home ... but I'm beginning to think that that's just not an option


I've been an idiot & spent all my savings on household expenses etc while being with him. I'm looking for part-time work anyway (I feel my daughter's too young for me to work fulltime - plus I'm a lawyer so there's no such thing as 9-5) but in this market it's not straightforward - so I do feel trapped


I desperately want this to work but I don't know how to get through to him. I know they say it takes one person to change a relationship but I don't have the energy to carry him anymore at the expense of my feelings. Is it time to go?

Thank you Flashback - I appreciate your words and sage advice... but I'm running on empty and I can't keep going round and round in the same loop - I don't have any reserves left... and I've lost the objectivity of how to deal with it...


I'll take your comments on board and keep trying but I can't help feeling that it's either totally futile or it's at the expense of my self-respect and sanity.

flashback always gives sound advise. i agree with her 100% but i also symphatise with you, dazedandconfused. for an outsider, it's easy to say stick with it, keep going...but also i have to say that marriage is a two way thing, very cliched i know, but a wife can't be expected to burden everything. it's not fair of your husband to take everything out on you. i understand that with the current financial climate, people are losing their jobs, getting stressed out to the max, etc....but surely the last thing a man wants is to lose his wife and his child too?! he should take a step back and think about what is really important to him. you (and your baby) or his business.

Thank you everyone for your responses - Huggy thanks for the detailled suggestions - I am taking it all on board and doing my best to change the pattern... not always easy not to engage but it's worth a shot...


thanks again

Have you read the book "women who love too much"?

Pack your bags and leave. Go find a sanctuary, a retreat somewhere to recharge and get your well deserved rest. Your husband is into the 'blame game', he will find any excuse and will accuse you of anything and everything that is not goin well in his life or business. As a dutiful 'conditioned' wife you want desperately to be supportive, encouraging and all that 'jazz'. You have endured a lot, you have suffered much, and you feel empty and lonely without emotional support. Not surprising, you gave but got nothing much in return. Emotionally you feel alone, abandoned abd rejected. Your emotional needs were not validated or taken seriously. Time you direct your energy and focus on your gorgeous girl. Dont make the mistake of pandering to your husband's inconsistent and unstable personality and losing sight of the important little human being dependent on your emotional stability and loving energy. Pack your bags and leave with your baby - go somewhere and enjoy some peaceful ruminations and leave the emotional 'hubby' baggage. Your priority is to devote your loving attention to your baby and yourself at the moment.

Your love for your husband should not over ride the love for your baby. A happy wife makes a happy mother. Obviously you are very unhappy with your husband's uncaring detached and blaming ways. You indicated your immense support for him but fears depletion of your energy in doing so. Well - why let it all drag till you become like a 'rag'? Distance and Detachment helps you gather your strengths and wits about you. It would be a 'wake up' call too for your husband to come to a realisation of your tolerance level or lack of. If instead of realising the seriousness of the situation that led you to leave, he however, continues to heap guilt on you for causing problems by leaving, then you will know the answer to your question 'time to call it a day?'

To dazedandconfused - Hope you are no longer dazed and confused. That you have worked out and taken steps towards happiness and contentment.

Thanks Pickledpepper


I followed Huggy & Flashback's advice and decided that if I couldn't change him then I could change my reaction - I stopped engaging in his stuff quite so much - but in a loving/ non-confrontational way (e.g. I'm not sure honey, but I'm sure you'll do whatever you think's best) - it's not always been easy to hold that space but it has certainly changed our dynamic...


truth be told we still have our moments (Fri I thought I couldn't take anymore) but by in large it has got significantly better...


I know that some people suggested I leave and I understand why - but I also know that I can leave at any time, but that's such a huge and potentially final step - not to mention very traumatic for everyone involved... I'd rather stay and fight for my marriage/ family before I give it up -

fingers crossed eh?


thanks again

Like many women, you will do your best. There are many stages/modes you will go through - from changing your reactions, yr SELF (you compromise and become the person he expects you to be) going into silent withdrawal mode, verbal attack mode, tearful/fearful/frustrated mode, distant, detach and eventually less tolerant mode. You will bear till it tears you apart. There is such thing as a constructive trial separation - its not so final. Maybe all I have listed wont happen. In which case - 'fight for your marriage?' against a third party is apt but infighting within the marriage means shelving joy and happiness till you tolerate no more.

All the best. Good Luck

No that's not true... I can see why you might think that but changing one's reaction doesn't mean becoming the person that your partner expects you to be... for example, I'm used to supporting my husband through his dramas- changing my reaction meant withdrawing from that... still being supportive but saying "oh well, I'm sure you'll sort it out/ know what to do" etc rather than engaging in the minutiae of what to do for the best... although I previously thought I was helping him, I realise now that actually I was disempowering him - now I just show him that I'm there for him, but I trust that whatever he does will be right in the circumstances... and it's better for both of us


Walking out often sounds like the answer (as I thought in my original post) - in other words "if I go, he'll see that I'm serious and he'll have to listen/ respond) but I can see now that it probably wouldn't work... we'd still be playing out the same dynamic but I would have just put more pressure on him and would have added to his feels of inadequacy


it's true that you can't change anyone else but you can change your pattern of relating to each other... it takes one person to change a relationship and it doesn't mean that that person has to lose themself in the process

Avoid insecure men like the plague as they often try to disempower women. You change your reactions to change the dynamics of your relationship. All fair and good. In doing so you take away his need to change, he remains the same, in his comfort zone of predictability. In the quest to salvage the relationship, you will lose yrSELF by compromising as much as you can. He remains impervious. Both have got to come to the realisation and work towards damage control. Not just you.

Pickledpepper- you're missing the point. If you keep doing what you've always done then you'll keep getting the same response (in life as well as in relationships) - I stomped my foot/ shouted "you're not listening to me.. etc" plenty of times, but shouting louder or walking out (which says "see you're still not listening to me") doesn't work... if he's not listening/ responding it's because he CAN'T get it - not because he doesn't want to


In changing my behaviour, I changed the way that we related to each other and so forced him to change - even though he didn't realise it... so instead of trying to get him to see my side of the situation/ or understand me... I stopped trying so hard and stood back and said - I trust you know what's best for you/us in this situation - what would you like to do?... by changing that pattern I a) gave him the space to make his own decisions and b) showed him that I trusted him (so that he lost the need to be defensive and justify his own decisions)


This is not about surrendering to a man or choosing the wrong guy or any of those cliches - it's about doing something different in order to change your relationship and get a result that makes BOTH parties happy... I could no more play the simpering, admiring female who puts her man's needs first all the time than I could climb Mount Everest - but I did want to achieve a relationship where we stopped fighting and we were happy together - one with mutual respect (in case anyone's confused - dazedandconfused is one of my aliases)


I understand where you're coming from - and I have been playing the same pattern for years - thinking that if my partner (whether my husband or previous boyfriends) could only "understand" my position everything would be alright... but you can't force people to "understand" and in that case you can either leave or change your behaviour and see what happens - I didn't really want to hear Flashback or Huggy's advice at the beginning of the post because I felt totally justified in my position and at my wit's end but they were completely right in their advice... and to both of them a huge thank you for helping me to go down a different path - your advice has been invaluable