Domestic helper dispute

Hello I need an advice on how to deal with my own personal problem,oh well not so personal.

My boyfriend is still using his domestic helper that once he shared with his ex wife,she's been with them for 8 years and even when they separated and got divorce,the helper is cleaning two apartment,his ex wife and his . His helper was telling me so much of what the ex wife said about me ,about him so I suggest if he wants to be with me,he should not hire his ex wife helper because all I want is peace of mind after what we have ben through.Everytime we discussed about it ,he will explode,he said im heartless person,the helper needs a job and I should not get involve with this.He even walked out on me at restaurant last nigth when we started the discussion re-helper.Is he right? As a girlfriend ,should i just shut up and follow his lead! Is it wrong of me to wanted to start a life with him without hiring the helper that he once shared with his wife?Please advice.thanks.

Dear malka,

thank u for your reply. I guess as a new girlfriend I needed assurance that he will listen to me if I suggest that he should not use his wife helper (you are right ,it's part of the settlement that she should maintain her lifestyle so helper is a must) but as you now reading this,we broke up.he said he will never listen to my idea

and as a gf i should be supportive. he will use their helper whether I like it or not .So there you go..he was not serious with me after all. I did not ask him to choose between me and helper,I only suggest that if he respect my feelings,he hire a different helper. Oh well!! Life is such!

i think you overplayed this. by staking your emotions in this relationship on a helper, you demonstrated to him that you are not mature enough.

The helper should not work for both him and his ex wife. Not just because it's illegal, but also because it will lead to the sort of gossip you are seeing. He ought to have a bit more sense.


It seems strange for him to explode and walk out of the restaurant over a domestic helper. Does he have strong emotional swings often ? Or is there something about this helper ? I am wondering if he has a sexual relationship with the helper - it would explain why he is so loyal to her, even over your wishes.


Your request was reasonable, so perhaps it was the way you asked. Are you a nagger ? Men hate to be nagged. If you want to suggest something, you might try to pose it as a question. "dear, are you worried about the helper gossip" "Dear, are you worried about the ex wife finding out", etc.


Good Luck.

he suggested before that we share helper and tried but he started criticising the helper to me that she does not like her cleaning,she should not be in the house once he comes home from work . So he called his helper if she can help us but of course his helper told him as a respect to his wife she will not touch any of my stuff or clean my place too. Fair enough cos it will be too tiring for her.and that how it starts the debate.the helper obviously don't like me ,started telling me that she wished the couple did not separate or divorced .When i told him about what his helper told me he started telling me that I should not talk to his helper .Nagger? No! Iam just stating my opinion! I believe if someone left the family/wife and wanted to start a new I don't see the reason to still use the same helper whom i believe keep sending messages back and forth so there's no peace in our relationship!If one of his wife's friend tell him that he should not be with me co's im a whore,slut slept with too many pilots blah blah ,he will tell me what he heard and just to explain later that we should tell to each other what we heard so we know who are our friends and whom to trust! I have never encounter this kind of relationship before that's why im writing in this advice forum!

Oh well it's over now but thank you guys for the input! I should take this as a lesson.

I agree, it's awful that this helper is sticking around. Why doesn't he see that ?

I know it doesn’t matter anymore but I just want to put in some of my thoughts. First thing first is NEVER listen or believe any gossip, unless it is from a very reliable source, i.e. from someone whom you can totally trust and have your interest at heart. Why do you even discuss with the DH about his ex-wife is beyond me, and I am guessing in the process of discussion, you would have made the DH known your dislike of his ex, and it will go back to the ex,….honestly, whatever problem they have is theirs, you as a girlfriend (and a new one at that), should not get involve.


“as a new girlfriend I needed assurance that he will listen to me”. Jeez, that sounds controlling to me, I can’t imagine what will happen if the relationship runs for 5 years. I totally understand his wanting to break up.

@Amparo

thank you.

Iam not controlling at all. I just want to feel wanted or to feel that he cares but I was wrong , i felt that he's more into his helper than to me. Anyway it's over now .He told he will never listen to me and he's keeping his helper.

FYI ,his ex wife is very much against that she works for him too but he insist that he was the one paying her so no one can say anything. Lucky helper ,she found a employer that will stick with her no matter what.If I tell him that his helper said this and that he will defend her right away but if I was saying something about her,he still defends her,no win situation here.Oh i guess im fishing for advice that can make me feel better . at the end of the day .... I lose him.

Sadly, yes, its good you realize now, albeit a bit too late that you are merely fishing for advice to make you feel better, but yeah...you may not think what you did was controlling but it was out of jealousy and you overplayed your hand because you did feel your self-worth needed validation.


Here's the reality of things, he has known the helper 8 years more than you, but she is just that, the helper. You are jealous of the helper and her history with your (now) ex. If you hadnt been so insecure, you could have seen past this, but sadly, your whole "he should choose" chest puffing only ended up with him dumping you, and its not like you are in the right about this.


My ex and I, after we split, shared a helper. This was documented in our divorce papers and approved by the courts. As part of the divorce it was still considered that she was working for my ex and I even though we now lived in separate houses. I continued to pay for the helper up until about 2 years ago, despite her not working in my house at all for a few years, it was because she was still looking after my child. Whatever the deal, she now works for my ex only, I no longer pay her, but for over 10 years, I did.


If you are insecure about the exwife hating you, you shouldn't be. You don't need to be liked by everyone and anyone willing to listen to or partake in idle gossip with the domestic helper, which, trust me, I heard my share of the gossip before one day politely saying I would rather not hear anything bad about either household, because if there is complaining to me about the ex, lord knows what is said about me in the other household.


You ought to walk away from this with some valuable lessons, even if a bit heartbroken.


Your ex didn't dump you because he "chose the maid he shares with his ex". He dumped you because you are insecure and felt threatened by his past despite the fact that in the present you had a chance to make a happy life with him. We all have a past, some more than others, but the past is what it is. You are not living in the past, nor can you live in the future, all you have is now. If you keep dwelling on and letting the past make you feel threatened, then you lose in the now.


Also, next time, don't hear gossip coming from help. Any help. Not just your issues with the ex and the shared help, I mean in all future instances. You will hear a lot of gossip, complaining, and a lot of it is to see your reaction and then form an opinion of you.


Yes, you lost him. The helper is lucky that she has an employer who is loyal and even through a tough situation such as a divorce, was adult enough to continue to keep her employed. You trying to badmouth the helper to him, regardless of it being true in your eyes, only makes you seem petty and of course, him having known her 8 years more than you, he would not see things the way you do, your view coming from one of insecurity.


Never try to get someone fired...I mean, what was the helper doing wrong other than dealing with the cards life gave her? You were wishing her to lose her position in your partners life just because you felt his ex had words about you, well, you shouldn't have listened, or if you did, you shouldn't have cared whether you are liked by his ex, lord, why should she like you?


You will grow from this experience, chalk it up as a learning experience. Be strong, be sure of yourself, and remember that sh** happens only to make you learn and become a better person. Good luck.

Many people think they enter someones life and then somehow need to assert their position in it by making demands. Unless you are dating a total puss, you won't end up with getting your way like this, especially when asking to fire someone else and messing with their livelihood.


What you should have demanded is for the helper to clean your stuff too, being as the bf is paying for her...or you could have offered to pay part of her salary so she started cleaning your stuff as well. That way she knows her salary was coming from both of you...that would have been the adult way to go about it.

Thank you all for the input,hurtful advice but still appreciated because you took time to read and reply to my post,thank u. to all woman out there,follow the gut instict.once you feel something is odd or not right it's because is probably true and in my case ,the helper planned this all along IM SOOOOOOOOO STUPID ,they planned this.she (helper)now moved in with him and it hurts like HELL!!!one person in this forum was right,helper was and is sleeping with him.

Bummer on the bf sleeping with the helper. How did you find out? Anyway, if its true, like malka said, you saved yourself a lot of grief there. Not stupid of you, consider yourself lucky.


I am assuming now the helper will likely lose her job with his ex wife, no doubt. Hard to see that arrangement carrying on much longer.

wow, sorry babe..

i know no matter what people say about you being lucky and dudged a bullet it still hurt !big hug !

That's Awful. Sorry.

oh jeezz...it really hurts, sorry :(