Never ending pain

Yes, much nicer name! If you haven't already, I suggest you find a professionally trained marriage counselor for couples therapy to get you through this. Your anger at husband is legitimate and you need to work through it, but in a safe and controlled environment that the counselor can provide. That way you don't become "killhim" ;-)


But just my input, if I were interested in saving my marriage there's no way in hell I'd move back to Canada and leave him here. He needs a nice place to come home to (how do you make it nice when you're so angry, but if you want a vital and loving relationship then you must figure out how to do that, it's one thing the counselor can help with). There's a thing called sex that adds to temptation. Also, it will take years to rebuild the trust that has been betrayed, in the meantime it will drive you insane to think of what might be happening in HK if you're stuck in Canada with long nights to wonder. (He also needs to swear off the night life, unless you are out there with him being the life of the party.)


Read the thread on LD relationships and make the decision not to be apart, unless in fact you just want to leave him and rebuild your life in Canada. Agree with MHK on this -- make a commitment to stay together even if it means changing jobs to enable a move back to Canada or you stay here.

Dear numberone, I really feel for you, 30 years truly is something you can't just toss out the window. But as a first step, I want you to make the decision to not ever attempt or even think about taking your own life again. You owe it to God, to yourself, to the people who love you, and most of all to your 15-yr. old son!!! How do you think he feels after knowing that you tried to take your own life? Just because your husband decides to run around with some cheap slut doesn't mean you no longer have any reason to live. You are worth so much more than that! Regardless of whether or not things work out between you and your husband, you have to remember that things happen for a REASON...and it's ALWAYS, ALWAYS for the BEST. We may not see it now, but as time goes by you'll look back & see that it was indeed it was all a BLESSING in disguise. Hardship, pain, suffering and crisis occurs to teach us a lesson, to make us stronger, better individuals, you have to never lose sight of the fact that there's always a rainbow after the storm (sorry for sounding cliche!) You have to be strong to get through this and be ready to accept whatever outcome this may bring-- whether you stay together and have a happier, stronger marriage or you part ways and move on with your life. It's important to not ever lose YOURSELF or your IDENTITY, and to not let ever think that was entirely your fault. Sure there may be things that you could do to maybe improve your relationship or lessen the chances of this happening but ultimately, it was HIS decision, HIS doing, and HIS issue. It won't matter if you move back to Canada, stay in Hong Kong or move to the middle of Timbuktu, if you don't address the real issue, he WILL always find another woman to mess around with GUARANTEED. You have to sit down and really talk to your husband, ask him why he cheated on you, what he got out of it, how it makes you feel, etc. You need to get down to the core of the problem and tackle it from there.


I sincerely do hope you take my advice numberone and know that you will be in my prayers!

Dear numberone, I really feel for you, 30 years truly is something you can't just toss out the window. But as a first step, I want you to make the decision to not ever attempt or even think about taking your own life again. You owe it to God, to yourself, to the people who love you, and most of all to your 15-yr. old son!!! How do you think he feels after knowing that you tried to take your own life? Just because your husband decides to run around with some cheap slut doesn't mean you no longer have any reason to live. You are worth so much more than that! Regardless of whether or not things work out between you and your husband, you have to remember that things happen for a REASON...and it's ALWAYS, ALWAYS for the BEST. We may not see it now, but as time goes by you'll look back & see that it was indeed it was all a BLESSING in disguise. Hardship, pain, suffering and crisis occurs to teach us a lesson, to make us stronger, better individuals, you have to never lose sight of the fact that there's always a rainbow after the storm (sorry for sounding cliche!) You have to be strong to get through this and be ready to accept whatever outcome this may bring-- whether you stay together and have a happier, stronger marriage or you part ways and move on with your life. It's important to not ever lose YOURSELF or your IDENTITY, and to not let ever think that was entirely your fault. Sure there may be things that you could do to maybe improve your relationship or lessen the chances of this happening but ultimately, it was HIS decision, HIS doing, and HIS issue. It won't matter if you move back to Canada, stay in Hong Kong or move to the middle of Timbuktu, if you don't address the real issue, he WILL always find another woman to mess around with GUARANTEED. You have to sit down and really talk to your husband, ask him why he cheated on you, what he got out of it, how it makes you feel, etc. You need to get down to the core of the problem and tackle it from there.


I sincerely do hope you take my advice numberone and know that you will be in my prayers!

Dear numberone, I really feel for you, 30 years truly is something you can't just toss out the window. But as a first step, I want you to make the decision to not ever attempt or even think about taking your own life again. You owe it to God, to yourself, to the people who love you, and most of all to your 15-yr. old son!!! How do you think he feels after knowing that you tried to take your own life? Just because your husband decides to run around with some cheap slut doesn't mean you no longer have any reason to live. You are worth so much more than that! Regardless of whether or not things work out between you and your husband, you have to remember that things happen for a REASON...and it's ALWAYS, ALWAYS for the BEST. We may not see it now, but as time goes by you'll look back & see that it was indeed it was all a BLESSING in disguise. Hardship, pain, suffering and crisis occurs to teach us a lesson, to make us stronger, better individuals, you have to never lose sight of the fact that there's always a rainbow after the storm (sorry for sounding cliche!) You have to be strong to get through this and be ready to accept whatever outcome this may bring-- whether you stay together and have a happier, stronger marriage or you part ways and move on with your life. It's important to not ever lose YOURSELF or your IDENTITY, and to not let ever think that was entirely your fault. Sure there may be things that you could do to maybe improve your relationship or lessen the chances of this happening but ultimately, it was HIS decision, HIS doing, and HIS issue. It won't matter if you move back to Canada, stay in Hong Kong or move to the middle of Timbuktu, if you don't address the real issue, he WILL always find another woman to mess around with GUARANTEED. You have to sit down and really talk to your husband, ask him why he cheated on you, what he got out of it, how it makes you feel, etc. You need to get down to the core of the problem and tackle it from there.


I sincerely do hope you take my advice numberone and know that you will be in my prayers!

Dear numberone,


first of all, your 15 year old son needs you soooo much.

please don't do anything to harm yourself.

talk to someone that you trust and that will be there for your 24 hours a day.


as for your husband...

you might want to have a "rethink" on leaving him alone.

it just makes it so much easier for the woman to come back into his life.


just try to remember that you don't have to make a decision about what you want to do immediately.

give yourself a lot of time.

you will probably feel differently as time goes on.


to repair your marriage the first thing your husband will need to do is to terminate all contact with this woman.


best of luck,

Time will not ease your pain, it just makes it more bearable...You and your Son have the justification to feel hurt and betrayed. (Forget the other woman) Your husband is the guilty party and as such should be made to face up to his injustice, for that is what it is. Do not try and search within you for any weakness and say "What did I do wrong"?... Men spend 9 months trying to get out...the rest of their lives trying to get back in.

Dear numberone,


I absolutely understand your feelings. I am in the same boat, but my story is a pathetic one. It's so sad that you can't find one in a drama series. I found out that my husband had been living with another woman for 3 years for a couple of days then 4 nights in a week. I trusted him so much that I didn't query him. He used the excuse of doing research and teaching extra course in ShenZhen every week (He's a university professor). We've been married for 17 years with two children. Like you numberone, I've never touched another man before. After I found out (it's a long story), I talked to him in February this year. We've sorted out things yet as he said he wanted the family back after I confronted him. Then in March I found out that I have cancer. I had my operation , a very major one, done in April. I'm back at home now. Since I haven't had a chance to reaise my anger and frustration after the confrontation because I had to deal with my disease. Now, like you, I feel angry, sad, and frustrated. Men always have a fantasy that once the affair is exposed, the matter is resolved and you have to move on without mentioning it again. My husband got very upset everytime when I mentioned how his affair has affected me. He started to throw temper. Hey, I am the sufferer and I had to suffer again for what he did wrong. The world is so unfair. Now we are 'living' in the same apartment and I am thinking what is the best arrangement for us and the children. Numberone, life is not easy but don'e hurt yourself. I used to be a very happy person, now depressed (cried suddenly for no reason) but I know I have to recover from this neverending pain because without a healthy body, how can I look after the children whom they are now the number one in my life.

I'm in Hong Kong.

Thank you numberone,


I was brought up here although most of my family members are overseas now. I am very blessed that my sisters and my close friends and very supportive. I think without this man, I can still survive. I told my husband one time that he was just like the surgeons who did the operation. Once the tumor was taken out, the surgeon said the operation is successful. But the surgeons didn't care about the scars on my body and the nerve pain (which is killing me). The pain is there although I take a lot of pain killing drugs. This is the same picture as my marriage. My husband said the affair is over because he didn't go to ShenZhen anymore and have a clean break with the woman. But there are scars in our marriage and the pain that he can't imagine. We went to counselling but he stopped now. I don't want to go into details. But I want to tell you, numberone, you have to talk to your husband and at the same time, reconstruct the personal goals. I always put the family as no. 1 goals. Now I think I have to treat myself better. I have sacrificed my golden age for this lousy man.

We women are strong and brave in times of hardship. I hope you are feeling better now and put yourself as number 1 in your life.

polarduck, very poignant and good advice.


I feel so badly for anyone who goes through cheating. It may be rampant but it still hurts like crazy.