News Marriage & Relationships

Breaking the pattern

ORIGINAL POST
Posted by shaq 19 yrs ago
Nop, it doesn't make any sense .... just kidding :D.


You may not be absolutely right though. There are all kinds of people but, as long as a compromise is agreed to, we can always live amicably. Perhaps, your relationships have ended because those you get into are sheer selfish; i.e., if what you've recounted about yourself are true.


Let me ask, have you ever asked your partners as to what makes them ditch you?? Perhaps, it's not what you think! ... Ask (them), and you shall find (the true reason)... Peace out!


SHAQ

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COMMENTS
shaq 19 yrs ago
My dear, don't let anyone take you for a ride.


You ain't a 'punching bag' to be used for a training. Be discerning and while loving everyone, like a person who'll truly like you back.


SHAQ

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rats 19 yrs ago
Mano, maybe your extrovert and indeppedent characters give your ex the wrong impression that you can handle all that and thus they forget to care about your emotional needs?

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flabbergasted 19 yrs ago
Nope, Pumpkin is right as you are an enabler.


Yes, it is good that you are generous and all of that, but you have to find a balance, as otherwise people will just abuse you. The thing is that you are attracting people who are takers because you are a giver.


You have to learn to balance this and ask what you NEED, and what is GOOD for you as well. If you do not recognise this, the pattern keeps on going, and going.

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flabbergasted 19 yrs ago
Good advice pumpkin. Really good advice.

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sailing-home 19 yrs ago
Mano & pumpkin,


your messages struck a chord with me and how I used to be (and am still in the process of helping myself in the same way pumpkin is), so I thought this might be an interesting read for you both:


Read More


written by a good friend of mine, it really struck me as the definition of friendship these days.

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lammasita 19 yrs ago
I too have been told I give too much to my partners, I don't think it's a character flaw of yours though that you are able to put your heart on your sleeve and give what you want of yourself. Having said that, and as Flabbergasted said, there must be a balance...


The problem I have is how to begin to know what the balance is.


My other pennys' worth is that it seems like you are a 'deep thinker' and probably know all the solutions to your problems already, so is there a need to spend a small fortune having some person with a certificate on their wall telling you what you already know?? After all, it still comes down to you feeling ready to turn your world, not upsidedown, but a little more wonky than it currently is!! Words help, but action is better and anyway, it sounds like your friends reciprocate what you feel for them and are there to support and love you as you need.


Maybe you're just having a 'down' day and tomorrow will look brighter. I know I have enough of those to recognise self doubt and slight insecurity!!!


It'll pass - time heals EVERYTHING


xx

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voiceofreason 19 yrs ago
so why did you bother posting, if "there is so little in the world" you dislike - by that logic, you accept everything, and don't find anything worth fighting over.


maybe what you really need is someone who actually wants a 24-hour yes-woman doormat. nothing wrong with that, because you truly do not mind acquiescing to your loved one's every preference.


i am not being sarcastic or facetious. maybe it's not your pattern you have to break - it's the people you are meeting. you're just not meeting the right people.


the irony is you're probably dating people who have a lot of self-love and self-respect (btw, being introverted is NOT a sign of the opposite - maybe they're just not shrill egomaniacs) - perhaps these people get fed up with you having no opinions or preferences, and can't get a sense of the real you. then, as you wrote, "somehow an argument comes about and the relationship ends" - hence your pattern. you didn't give details as to the arguments.


you ask "where does it say you have to be less agreeable and when it is ok to assert this?" the answer is: when you actually believe in something strongly enough to stand up for it and say "THAT'S what I want. That's important to me. I cannot be without that in my life."


i'm serious. if you have no strong preferences about anything at all - from food choices to children to bed cover colors to values - then just date people who do, and say yes to them all the time.

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voiceofreason 19 yrs ago
let me qualify that last thing i wrote: hopefully you end up with someone who truly appreciates your non-confrontational nature and doesn't abuse it, i.e. their choices are not harmful to you.

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sailing-home 19 yrs ago
The problem may be not that you don't have opinions and choices, but that you don't value them enough to assert them...?


I understand where you are coming from in your posts, but as your first message states, there is something that you're not happy with. So until you correctly identify that and own up to it being a previous failing and work to change it, I'm not sure there's much more to do here. There has been a few helpful messages that you have in general tried to de-bunk, but if you still think that we're not understanding the problem, maybe you could tell us more about where you think you're going wrong.

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flabbergasted 19 yrs ago
I think I hear what you say. It is not worth arguing over some things, and people may mistake that as lack of assertiveness...and it has been said to me that "You wouldn't tell me if you disagreed anyway"....actually I am really assertive and when things simply do not matter, they do not matter, and I simply do not want to lock horns over these matters.


Being acquiesent to these things does not mean you are a yes person or a doormat...EVEN though it may be a common mistake to take you as one.


This is where you have to find the balance, as otherwise people just assume you are out there to please everyone.


My guess it is probably easy for you to be assertive in other parts of your life and this is naturally you, BUT in relationships, then this isn't and the reason that it isn't is something you will have to look into....BECAUSE...it is not because you cannot, but it is WHY, that you have not been doing this when you can.....


If you can discover that is half the problem solved. Discover that and fix it...


and I wish you every success in this....



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