Need help from xpats,pls.

Hi,this is my very first time to open a thread here and I am really in need of help cuz of the situation.Should I just trust him and keep on or should I question him for all these?


I am a Chinese girl and my boyfriend is an xpat,we live together in Beijing but I am from south of China.


Well,now goes the situation.

Last November I moved into my bf's apartment,and we lived together for 3 months,we had good time,though there was always some problems such as money issue,cuz I didn't have so much money to use,I came to Beijing cuz of him but I was a bit unlucky to get a job here.But we were happy,with every little thing we always shared with each other,and we have so many things in common,movies and music,so many habbits and even the ways to put things are most likely the same.Finally I had a so good interview for job but he wasn't sure that I can get the job.And the sametime here goes his friend's issue,he has a friend who needs help,and I am the source to get this help and it can only be done in my hometown with my local contact,so I left Beijing on Feb 15 and I also dropped that job I just got(my departure and the call from the company almost happened at the same time),it was difficult for me to choose cuz I was coming to Beijing for a job,but I know if I leave Beijing for a while will be good for him to think about our relationship well,and plus I can hep his friend,so I accepted to leave.


The second day when I arrived home,the company kept on calling me cuz they really liked me,and my bf missed me a lot so he told me to come back to beijing,but I didn't accept,cuz if I just leave like that,his friend's thing will be messed up and my quickly going-back will not good for us,so I refused him.So we could only talk to each other on phone everyday and send msg everyday,sometimes I asked him if he wanna me to be back,he always said yes,till the last time,I asked him again cuz his friend was about to come to my hometown to get his thing,he told me,I'd better go back when he arranges everything frist. I was disappointed,I had a job in Beijing but I had to leave for his friend,my family was very unhappy cuz of that,and now he is telling me that I should wait again,I was really sad.His friend saw it and felt bad cuz of the situation,so his friend suggested us to come back together and I did that,but I was afraid to tell him so his friend sent him a msg to tell him that I would be beck tonight,I arrived late and I called him,he was a bit sick and angry I believed,anyway,finally I arrived in his house,he was not even excited a little bit,just a hug without kiss,I thought maybe becuz he was sick,then I took shower and went to sleep.He held me in bed and told me he doesn't know why it only happens with me that he can easy turn on when I am next to him but when it comes to be with someone else,it is very hard.I felt so uncomfortable to hear sth like that,it made me feel that when I was home,he was having someone here with him.Then we made love,it's ok as usual but I had a very untold feeling after that,I felt that he was feeling guilty.Before,everytime after we make love,he always kiss my lips and tell me how he feels about it,but this time,he didn't kiss me and didn't say anything,just left me and went to take shower.


The next morning,he didn't kiss me before leaving the bed.I still didn't say anything but to start cleaning,and I started to find there are many long hair on the floor.I have not been here for 2 months,how come?So I think I can only tell myself it is not my hair,especially I haven't been to his kitchen for 2 months and I still found some hair there,for bedroom it is hard to say cuz I sleep there before cleaning.Then,not only the hair but also some condoms,we don't use that,so what are they for or who are they for?


I was thinking and getting very upset,so I sent him a msg cuz he was out with friend,I asked him if there was some other woman with him when I was away,and he reply me a "yes",then I sent a "fine". When he came back in the evening,I didn't say or ask anything,but he acted so weird and a bit indifferent.


That's two days ago,now he is ok,talks to me like there is nothing,but I just don't feel good,and I don't feel like talking to him.I know he divorced before cuz his ex-wife was too greedy and jealous to everyone,he hates nagging and doubting,and my ex-bf is a profession playboy,that's why we are both sensitive to the doubt and faith issue.What should I do?I just got back 3 days and I really wanna get a job.For this kind of moment,what can I do?I love him and I wanna make him happy,I enjoy cooking for him,i love the way he eats,the way he calls me and hold me,we always make good love,and I don't wanna see him unhappy.


Pls,xpats,give some suggestion,I appreciate.


God bless all of us.

Leave. Get a job.

You'll have a better life.

I'd just like to reiterate what MJC said.. about westerners and their sexual habits, their rules on living together and relationships are (culturally) a lot less strict. However, this is where we disagree - it is EXACTLY these habits that can be misleading to the unsuspecting partner (Chinese or not).


It is NOT your fault for any of this. You DID NOT make him be unfaithful. That was HIS choice, and his choice alone.


If he didn't like you living there, he should have told you, not run off with another woman. Especially since you left because of him.


If I were in this situation (and I'm not giving advice, this is just how I'd handle it), I would look furiously for a job, find a good girlfriend and crash at hers until I can confidently support myself. Try put this loser behind you.

Bonjour monseiour,

I think you really missed something in my first post,first,his friend does need that help,it is 100% real,and I never said to that friend anything such as taking me back to beijing,I never did so.Then,when I was home,we called each other,I wasn't the only one who makes the call,he sent me msg everyday when he woke up.And when I was in Beijing,there was a certain period that I was working on his shop thing,so at that moment I was not really looking for a job till his shop thing done.The third is,about that "turning on".What he said is I can always trun him on,very easy and quick.In fact,he used to say that before,but I just feel so bad when I hear it again cuz I know we haven't made love for 2 months,for this point he said something like that,just make me doubt.And the last thing is,I know westeners don't have the such kind of Chinese traditional mind,I know that and I am not hoping to sleep with someone will bring me to the marriage right away.

But,I think I still need to take some of your words into account,I will try to get a job asap and move out,maybe he doesn't know if he should cherish me or not,but I know what I am looking for for my life.


Merci,monsieur.

silly gal, moved on. it's over. trust you feeling and stop looking for excuses for u and for him.

he wouldn't ever care to lie to you he slept with someone else. what's the point to stay when you are not wanted anymore??

Thanks for you guys' true advice,I am not looking for excuse for myself neither for him,maybe he is just too old to know what love is,I will move out,but I will have to find a place to stay first,I can't just take my bags and stand in the street.It is so hard cuz I am not a local here,if I were in my hometown,it would be much more easier.


Thanks again


May God bless all of you good people with a real heart.

By the way: the name "someonerun" has nothing to do with the thread,cuz I wanna take "summerrain" but it's been taken so I took "someonerun".they somehow look like and sound like.


Thanks for the concern.


God bless you

Bonjour monsieur,


I got paid by working on his shop things,though it was like sth called "salary",but I can't deny that he gave me money for that work.


He is much older than me and he divorced once,plus unlucky that he had some unsuccessful relationship before in Beijing.

But these days I feel may he belongs to this kind of life,his x-gf owns a club in Beijing and xx-gf is also dxmn rich,but me,I don't even have a job yet,he broke up with the x-gf cuz she was just using him like a tool,but now I feel maybe he likes to be used instead of being respected,there are many many clubs in Beijing but he always goes to her club.I can't do anything to stop him cuz it will not make any change,his friend told me he is a social guy who enjoys being with friends,but I just don't understand why he likes being insulted by that woman and keeps on going to the club.If he will not survive in Beijing without her,so she must be the Ms.Right for him,then just be together and everything is fine.


I am disappointed cuz of his attitude,totally indifferent.Maybe he just love this kind of life,always meets friends in bar or club,always eat in the nice restaurant,always buys expensive things,always chase girls in bars and brings home,have some 19 stand or sth.


I arrived not even 4 days and almost every 6 hrs he will ask me again is there any job,it is like all the company are waiting for me to work here,and it is so hard to have a chance to talk,since I arrived on 10th 23pm,I couldn't have a chance to do a real talk till now,this moment I can be online to write down this cuz he is out meet some friends and I have heard on phone that they will go to "HER" club again,I didn't spy on him,he said it so lound on phone that after the club centro they will go "there" to check out what's on.


I am not trying to make any of you to have headache,I just wanna write down this cuz I have no friend here in Beijing,I have nobody to talk,to write this out at least make me feel a bit good.


Thanks for the patience.God bless you


Merci.

Hi,JE.


I am really a young Chinese sucker who doesn't know the so called laws-of-xpat-men-life,since you have mentioned about it so could be please tell me what is it exactly please,sir?And because you have said it is "laws",so I think it must be working on every man if he is an xpat here,right?My Mr.Well-known?


I do appreciate if you can teach me the "laws"and by the way is there any reason that makes you against my blessing?May you have got everything you need and want so that your heart becomes indifferent,but I know there are many people in this world whose day mightbe changed by a warm greeting or a thoughtful blessing.If you don't like my blessing,please just ignore it,thanks so much,sir!

I haven't talked to him for about 2 days but seems he doesn't notice anything.

I am trying to move out cuz hard to bear his indifference though he feels he is nice to me,cuz he keeps on asking me how is job looking going and trying to make me smile.


I found a makeup thing behind my pillow this morning,it is not mine cuz it is for 30's woman,I won't need that in some yrs,I took it in front of him and ask him,he told me right away"it is not mine",then I didn't say anything anymore.


And yesterday he told me since last time I bought the water he never buys it and we still have water to use,but I remember so clearly that one day morning when I was still at hometown,I called him home and cell,he turned off both of them,finally he answered cuz I kept on calling and he told me he was buying water in the office.


If you wanna cheat,please have good memory.

Hi someone run,

I am just curious, what is the age difference b/n you two,

I mean how old are you and how old is he?

If you don’t mind,

bonna

Hard to believe.

Hi,bonna


He is 40 and I am 25

hey.. cant u see the picture? he doesnt want u anymore. he doesnt even deny having another woman with him when u weren't there. this may be harsh, but... hello! he wants u out and out you should go soonest possible. stop playing dumb and do sumthing about yr life. it's not fair for him to treat u that way, and i believe u've had enough. time for u to accept the truth that's it's all over and move on. if you've nobody else there, then go back to your hometown and start sumthing else. the last thing u would want him to say is "i am sick and tired of you, get out of my house, my life!" i am pretty sure he is getting irritated now that u're not seeing the picture he wants u to see. it will be hard and painful for you at the start but i'm sure you will get over him in time. you are still young and there are lotssss of guys out there who will treat u well, love and respect you..

Hi,menthos


I am not dreaming of any change now even he is still nice friendly and very very sweet to me,I am just discouraged now totally,right now I am waiting for the ticket cuz I don't have enough money at present(kind of shame really!!)and my hometown is far so that ticket is expensive.


Well,he will have all he wants,life is all about what we choose.

yah, ask him for some money for yr ticket. but dont tell him yr not coming back, just have to do sumthing back home. and since he's so looking forward to yr leaving, am sure he will not have any second thoughts of lending u money

In fact,he did ask me if I need money for food when he went out this afternoon,I said no and he ask me if we still have enough thing to cook I said yes,I don't wanna ask money from him cuz that will make me feel like a b*itch especially we still stay in the same house(but no sex though).Plus his x and xx gf are both d*mn rich women in Beijing,I feel so bad when it comes to the money issue.

I feel bad that he is not aware of my feelings,last night he came back home and show me the watch he loves the most on the internet,and told me how to cook a dish for "us".And this morning he kept on telling me to smile otherwise not good for my skin.


I don't know what wrong with him?Is he just a kind of indifferent person or what?I don't understand what is his indifference for?

Sorry,JE


I am not in a good mood so I was rude in the reply,now I think I am really in a kind of aggressive mood,well enough to attact anyone or start fight with anyone.So I am just home,sitting in front of the pc and typing...typing...


I need a JOB.`````J`O`B`


Here goes the blessing again.


God bless everyone.

Hi! I read your post and your answers, I could say that you are a person with a bubbly personality..not good enough for an ugly, mean and nasty 40 years old...

If I am in your situation..pretend that you are making a movie and all is scripted..act your best shot..be a good actress..then..slowly..slowly..tell him what you want..like " you know what, honey, I need money to buy the ticket back home..then..I also need allowance just in case..i need to buy some food..and how about some nice clothes to wear..i also need a pair of boots..blah..blah..blah..you have to have your own hidden agenda..you have to be wise and clever..he has used you..now you have to use him..i've been through a relationship similar to yours..i know..how it feels..i finally left him..for good..my only regret..was that..i said all the hurting words..that i repressed..inside..i should have dropped him like a hot potato and just simply told him.."bye lover boy, thanks for the good times and have a nice day!" But, I also know, that you are just an innocent victim of circumstances..I hope you will find a job and you will find good friends..that are willing to help you and not take advantage of your circumstances..and most of all..the last thing that you do not want to catch is a disease..

pls. refrain from making sex without protection..that would surely add more pain to your injury..good luck..be brave..

Hi,


First,we are not having sex right now.

Then,he is sweet acturally,he came back home around 7:30 and I cooked,we ate together like nothing happened,I am good at holding my temper these days.After dinner he watched tv with me then went out to see friends.

Why I said he is indifferent is because he seems never notices that I know he did "sth".

Anyway,I have decided to have a talk with him tonight.

I have university degree and CET6,168cm tall with long hair.Maybe I am not lucky enough to get a job so quick but I believe I will get one soon.


Thanks for you guys' concern,since he has done something,he has lowered himself in my heart and also lowered my respect for him,maybe I will not attact him or fight back but I will protect myself definitly.

I have got all you guys' tips and now put into action.