I have been married to an asian girl for 4 years and she has become an alcoholic, even though I don't often drink, and treat her very very well. she does not think she has a problem, yet she is often very angry and very violent. What can I do, I do not want to abandon her, yet life is unbearable.
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Miss P's advice is the best so far, you need support and speaking to people going through the same as you really helps. Must admit though I don't really like these "support group" things for myself, but it helped going to a few meetings to realise that be it mother, father, lover,brother or sister who abuses any substance their behaviour is remarkably similar.
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Thanks everyone for your time to post a reply; leaving her is not an option - i think insecurity by threats adds to the problem. Also, she does not drink everyday, rather a cycle/rollercoaster ride between beautiful love and miserable hate on her part. We do not have booze in the house for a long time, but when the urge takes her, there's no stopping what will happen. The good side of her is exemplary, the bad side is very scarey. I think the biggest challenge is to try to get her to realise how distructive she can be and to get her to seek help outside the family unit.
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in my experience, alcoholics who dont get help quit one of 2 ways....1. in jail.....2. in a bodybag
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macobee - in my book 1 bottle of whisky evey 3 days is not an alcoholic, unless you're topping it up with a lot of other stuff. in fact it's not even close. i have known several people who are alcoholics (either admitted or denied) and every single one of them would regard 1/3 of a bottle of whisky per day as merely "hair of the dog" before the serious days drinking began. i was at a college with a guy who used to have a bottle of vodka before luynch every day and then go to the pub for the afternoon. now THAT is an alcoholic (he still got a first tho - b*****d).
in fact i would say that by your definition most gweilos here in hk are alcoholics.
if you do want to be an alcoholic then i think you need to get some practice in, starting at the 7s obviously.
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The measure of an alcoholic is not how much they drink, but how much drinking affects their life and the lives of those close to them.
I agree with 'Kags' above.
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BLAH BLAH BLAH MACOBEE....
you can call pretty much every gweilo in hk an alcoholic then.
reread the definition and you'll see it's meangingless - an alcoholic is someone who suffers from alcoholism. well d'uh!
an alcoholic in my book is someone who can't get through the morning without a comforting bottle of something close to hand, and then gets serious about their booze in the afternoon and evenings.
a few whiskys of an evening do not an alcoholic make.
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Are you an alcoholic?
I am. I have been one for 30 years, although I only came to admit it recently. I have been a long term expat, and if there is one thing us expats have in common is that we DRINK. I drank because I liked the effect produced by alcohol. I sought that sense of ease and comfort that came at once from a few drinks. If you have the slightest concern about your drinking, try stopping for three months. It is easy if you are not an alcoholic, it is impossible if you are. If you are not ready for the three month experiment try this one. Go to your favorite bar at 10 pm without having a drink first. Drink all you want for 45 minutes. Then quit. If you can do this three times I do not think you are an alcoholic. I might be able to do it once on a bet.
I drank more and more until I finally threw in the towel. I went to treatment in the US, then returned to Beijing and got involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. Great groups in Beijing and Hong Kong, and they can help you stay sober and have fun doing it. There is also a Chinese group in Beijing.
Go to their website if you need help. www.aabeijing.com
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Jimbo
I sympathise, my mother has been an alcoholic for over 15 years. I learnt the other evening that she is being forced to retire from her work because of alcohol related ilnesses. With my brother & I having just arrived in Asia this is not the best news.
It's incredibly frustrating not being able to help them, or getting them to see the light. It's even harder getting my mother to understand the damage she has done to the familly and still she continues.
Now she has lost her job, I think it's only a matter of time before she deteriorates. I'll need some sort of counselling eventually to deal with the fact that I couldn't help her.
I'm amazed that there seems to be counselling on tap for the alcholics but little for their victims.
It's good to talk, and I'd be very happy to listen and help over a coffee.
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PK
20 yrs ago
Wow! Thanks to everyone who replied, I value your thoughts on the matter. I think that she is not a full-on alcoholic, but does use it as a sort of crutch, and yes, it seems to hit an extreme about every 3 or 4 weeks. As you also suggested, I have taken a good hard look at myself to see whether or not I've handled the situation correctly, and to be honest, I think there is also room for improvement on my part. Yes, I also believe there is some deep-rooted problem that stems from prior relationships on her side (she has had a pretty sh*tty life in the past). When I suggested to her one day that I felt how she must have felt when she lived with a drunk womaniser, wife beater - waiting in fear for the sound of the key in the doorlock, wondering what will happen when she canes the bottle and whether I'll still be in one piece come the 'morrow - it woke her up somewhat to how she has behaved. Over the past weeks she has really really tried her best to take it easy with the booze, but how long it will last, who can say. One thing for sure is that I realise I have given up everything for myself in order to concentrate on helping her overcome this. Maybe I am on a crash-course to disaster, or maybe I am one of the few people that has not given up on her - at the end of the day she is the one I have chosen to spend my life with, as long or as short as it may be....
Thanks again to you all,
LK
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All this person has to do is STOP drinking for 24 hrs. Than for one week, than for one month, than for one year and than forever. I am a recovering alcoholic and it has been six years since I took my last drink and I don't miss it at all. And for those of you who are in denial (and you know who you are) maybe oneday you will stop too. Friend of Bob
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I don't know anything about this kind of situation, and I feel very sorry for you LK.
BUT PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW THE ADVICE SOMEONE GAVE YOU TO BUY HER A PET!! ANIMALS GET HURT LIKE HUMAN BEINGS! IF SHE IS VIOLENT I THINK THIS IS NO GOOD IDEA.
good luck
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JT
20 yrs ago
i also live with, and love, someone whom i think is an alchoholic. he doesn't drink all the time and does not suffer from hang overs. the trouble is, he becomes rather anti-social when he reaches a certain level of drunkeness - as in he becomes extremely rude, generally nasty and verbally abusive to people. it doesn't take him a lot to get drunk (i have counted many times : 4 pints) and once he starts he can't stop. as a result, he would get grossly drunk at the most inappropriate occassions - like work functions. occasionally, he is OK and we have a really good time - but i can count the number of times a night out has turned into a "good" night. his boss and most of his friends have said something to me - for exmaple - his boss recently asked me whether i have ever tried to stop him drinking. what can i say to that - sometimes i feel like i've had enough and want to leave it all behind - i've tried talking to him but little has come to pass. i simply don't know what else to do. so i can really sympathise with your situation.
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Sounds like a binge drinker, yes alcoholic -- can be very serious for behavior during binge -- contact AA!! And, maybe all the expats ARE alcoholics, pickling their livers. It's no excuse to say that everyone else is doing it therefore I don't have a problem. You have to ask how it is affecting your life and your relationships, your job. There are some questions one can ask, for instance, am I thinking about alcohol a lot? Do I feel I need alcohol to get through the day? Do I have memory lapses (from times when alcohol is interfering with nerve pathways in brain), has alcohol caused me to lose a job or perform poorly, lose a friend, or be late for work? One thing you can do for an alcoholic who is in denial is to stage a session where everyone important to them comes to one meeting and they all confront the person together. It can break through the denial if the person sees that everyone agrees they ARE and alcoholic.
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For HELP call these numbers meeting lists are listed on web pages there are meetings every night of the week in Shanghai
AA has been active in Shanghai for 15 years!
Al-Anon call Debs 13701822474
AA contact 1370-171-5848 Voice message to contact AA members
Web page for AA & Alanon aashanghai - use google
NA Web page see google NA China
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Hi there..I'm a 27 year old girl who's been alcoholic for 7 years... I gave up though, with difficulty, for 6 months.. Its easy to say get out of the relationship.. because that is the easier option...but once you're an adult, and she's your wife... you should think about how much do you love her....?
I would say, watch a movie called 'When A man Loves A Woman'.....the love from a partner does make SO much difference for the sufferer... that movie got me stopped.. after much hell, but it inspired me so much.... do watch it - with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia...It made me cry with the truths... Good luck... do stick by her.. Because if she does get stopped, I'm sure she'll be an even Lovelier person than the front she's been showing... - from Chey
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I understand that the chinese acupuncture has a treatment for this and that it truly works. First hand I don't know, but what I have read seems good. Perhaps as she is Chinese she could be coaxed into this in some "sneaky" way. Your life and hers relys on it, so anything it takes.
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Minx
20 yrs ago
LK -
Here's a good website that has more information about AA + Alanon..Post your questions in the Friends and Family forum.
www.soberrecovery.com
If you haven't gone to an Alanon meeting, go..it will make a difference if you let it.
There are 3 C's to alcoholism. You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
Good luck.
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Statistics for rehab suggest that ETOH abuse requires about 10 trips to rehab to change behavior (The Robert Downy Junior syndrome). Alcholism is ritualistic suggesting a need for security. It is also obsessive and becomes more so as time goes on. Liver enzymes become elevated as does blood sugar. The body becomes used to these conditions and feels awkward when enzyme readings are closer to the norm. This awkwardness shows itself as agitation (restless, irritable and discontent). The abscence of ritual creates sense of fear and anxiety. Given if you agree on my interpretation, promote security, reduce anxiety. Get her a circle of friends (preferably not alcholics) and get her a alternative ritual (Job, exercise membership, hobby). If you find she has insomnia, drinks in the middle of the night and or early morning, develops acid reflux or heart burn and has little appetite. That would be your alchoholic. Good Luck!
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does anyone have a number of someone i can reach from alanon? i am living with an alcoholic and am desperate for some help, but everytime i call the number in thats beijing i get a chinese person who has no idea what im talking about? help please!
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for alanon in beijing, not shanghai
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I am helping someone deal with their alcoholism in Singapore. Does anyone know of any alcoholism treatment centres or good doctors in Singapore? I have been searching for these and cannot find any here.
Sorry, I am not interested in AA, or Alanon. I am the son of an adult alcoholic, my father, and have been to both of these over the years. I do not feel they are proper for this situation, therefore I am hoping someone can help point me to purely medical assistance.
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dim
19 yrs ago
Lighthouse Keeper
i understand. i think Dr.Alex who is Psychology for Alcoholic would help her. Then you need conjoint marital or couples therapy.I think Dr.Will could help you. 2525 4977
Email: seraphim@biznetvigator.com
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What about hypnotherapy? You may want to talk to Dr. Elisa Lai, who is a well know hypnotherapist in HK and has been practised both in US and HK. Her telephone number is 25606781 or 28821788.
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Deana
19 yrs ago
I am a University qualified Alcohol & Other Drug therapist. Substance abuse is one of the most complex behaviours to both understand and treat. The culture and context in which it occurs is also extremely important, and must be addressed.
I continue to be astounded that so many people know how to treat alcohol abuse. The fact that opinion and myth can be extremely destructive and dangerous causes me concern. Many of the suggestions in this thread are extremely counter-productive and could most certainly lead to a worsening of self-destructive behaviour.
The term älcoholic has not been used by qualified professionals for more than ten years. This is not merely political correctness - the term "alcoholic" is subjective and offensive to many and may be a barrier to help seeking. The old joke goes "When does your doctor think you're an alcoholic?". "When you drink more than he does"? Having spent time in Shanghai .........
There are many wonderful and successful treatments available for substance abuse - empirically based and supported treatments. The "Disease Model" (AA, ALanon) has saved many lives but it is not effective for the vast majority of people.
I would support you to continue to look for an experienced and qualified professional. It can be difficult to access such people in Australia. Hence I acknowledge this is no easy task. I wish you and your partner the very best.
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I know what you're living now, then you have to bear it or to ask her quite drinking alcohol for you or maybe you can start drinking and smoking then she will ask you to stop...
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