I broke-up with my last boyfriend this January, because I did not think that he loved me enough.
We lived together for 5 months in his house. He has always treated me with great respect, has given me anything I have ever asked him for and more, was caring and tender, always put me as a priority, never insulted me or asked me for anything in return, just to be with him.
The thing is, he never looked happy. He is very quiet, seldom says anything unless I ask a question. Then at some point he said that he thinks I have changed and become too cold to him and I started noticing he would get upset if I surf the internet for a few hours after work and then go straight to sleep without talking to him. But generally he did not complain, just got very angry one time after I rejected him in bed, and asked me why I reject him all the time.
I love him very much, but I just don't think that he loves me or that I make him happy. He does not look happy with me.
So I broke-up with him and moved out. I told him that he is selfish and only thinks about himself, but he didn't really get angry or upset, just remained his normal calm self. It gave me even more reason to think that he just pretends that he loves me.
However, he keeps trying to contact me and does not want to let go for some reason. He has always said and continues saying that he feels a very strong connection to me as a person, and that he loves who I am and the fact that we share similar beliefs about life. I am just very confused. I want him in my life, but I don't want to feel like I make him feel miserable.
Please support our advertisers:
It's just his personality, or maybe he's on anti-depressents or something. If you don't feel a connection, it doesn't matter what the reason is. It's such an early stage, if there are problems now then imagine what it's going to be like in 10 years time.
Don't ever expect to be able to change someone, you can't. If this is the way he is, this is the way he is. If you don't want someone like that, you should move on now before you invest too much time and effort. Just tell him you are sorry but you aren't interested in him anymore.
For future reference, rejecting him in bed (when you are in a relationship) is a bad move. If you were actually tired or something, ok, but if it was for a calculated logical reason then it's normally a very bad move, especially in HK where LKF is never far away and there are plenty of girls there who he can get it from without dealing with that. It's not just about physical urges, you just hit his self esteem and the easiest way for a temporary fix is to go find a girl who is into him, even it its only for one night. He would also probably move on even further away from you emotionally.
Please support our advertisers:
How bizarre, its like your post is pin balling all over the place. You oscillate between what you think he feels and what you think he feels about you and what you feel, but mostly what you feel is based solely on what you THINK he feels. You don't really know what you want.
Why would you want to be with someone who arouses negative emotions in you, so much so that you contradict yourself saying he is so giving and caring and then you outright call him selfish to his face?
Not sure what it is you are looking for in a relationship but maybe you should think more about what you DO want from a relationship rather than what you DON'T want.
Too many people say they don't want this or they don't want that, but they can't figure out what they do want.
Also, once they claim to know what they want, people talk purely (and selfishly) about their own needs not being met when they rarely take a look at how they were meeting someone elses needs. Sounds to me, you coming home, sitting on the net, avoiding talking to him and then heading straight to bed and refusing sex, well, what exactly were you bringing to the table in this relationship?
Maybe you were cold and distant, and maybe we can go over the whole, what came first, the chicken or the egg, thing, but who knows...maybe you just have to wonder if you two are compatible at all. Sometimes guys are nice, gentlemanly, kind, giving, etc...because thats who they are, but maybe you just don't like that guy past appreciating those qualities. Maybe you are not attracted to him, maybe you don't really want to have sex with him...and yet you sit there convincing yourself you love him.
Who knows? Your mind...your decision.
Please support our advertisers:
He is selfish, because he got angry for me not wanting to have sex. I don't want it as much as he does, a few times a month is enough for me. He should love everything about me and accept it. I am the woman, he is the man, so he should cater to my needs and feel how I feel.
My feelings for him are not based on what he feels for me. I love him very much and want to be with him. He is a great guy, with one of the best personalities I have ever met. But the decision to stay with him or not is based on how he feels. If he does not love me, I cannot be with him. But I cannot tell if he does. I even told him to prove that he loves me, but he said he didn't know how, he thought he already was.
Please support our advertisers:
"He should love everything about me and accept it. I am the woman, he is the man, so he should cater to my needs and feel how I feel."
Seriously?
WTP?
I am sorry, but is this just another internet troll problem? Sigh...really...what normal person says these things?
Please support our advertisers:
I am trying to get some advice and Justin calling me a troll does not really help... How then do you determine if someone really loves you or not?
I have been hurt many times in the past by men who used me and then left me sometimes without even saying anything. I don't want to get hurt again. So I think if someone really loves me, he should love me regardless of what I say or do. I am giving and caring, after all I moved to his house to live with him!
And by the way, he is a very handsome guy and has a good job that he loves.
Please support our advertisers:
Did he carry your handbag?
Please support our advertisers:
You are giving and caring because you moved into his house?
OP, I gave you advice, just before suggesting its possible this is just a troll posting, coz, lets face it, you didn't really read any of the advice anyone has given, its like you want everyone to say, "poor you" and since no one is saying it you are trying to prove your self worth by saying "He is handsome, has a good job, etc..." but then YOU dumped HIM. So obviously, either you are the commitaphobe who wanted to dump someone before you get dumped...or maybe it was inevitable this relationship would have come to an end anyway...who knows.
Please support our advertisers:
I responded to some of the things you and other wrote...
I am just really very confused. My past boyfriends always looked very happy and smiling and chatting around me. I admit that I had not lived with anyone prior to this one, but I would expect if someone is really serious, he should be what my ex boyfriends were and even more so.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. My problem is that I cannot tell if he loves me or not. Of course, I don't want to be with someone who just pretends to love me! Who would? Maybe I was insecure when I dumped him, afraid that he would do it... but that does not make a difference to what I need to do further.
And yes, he did carry my handbag and any other bags there ever were.
Please support our advertisers:
OK, so you aren't talking about a western guy and all the advice you are receiving is from western guys.
It therefore may not be the best forum to seek advice, which is why you aren't hearing what you want to hear!
Please support our advertisers:
spurtio, he is a Western guy though...
Please support our advertisers:
OMG. It just gets worse! :-)
Then listen to the advice because unless he is a complete doormat he will not go for the "He should love everything about me and accept it" stuff.
Please support our advertisers:
OP, how about watch the TVB show about those 5 women who can't find That someone at teh age of 39.. look at them and do some checking on yourself before you demand somebody to love you unconditionally..... a relationship would only work if it is a give and take relationship... not take and take...
Please support our advertisers:
Winnie the Pooh - you are far too selfish to have a successful relationship.
What do you have to offer this man except misery ?
Do you think it's a privilege to carry your bag ?
Or that a man should live with not enough sex because you say so ?
Or that a man should cater to your needs and you don't need to cater to his ?
Are that you so special that moving into his house is giving him something ?
No self respecting man will accept the kind of one-sided relationship you expect.
Please support our advertisers:
No surprise that hombre was looking like he swallowed a pack of umeboshi!
Sorry, I think its probably for the best that you twos went yer separate ways, eh.
Please support our advertisers:
'He has always treated me with great respect, has given me anything I have ever asked him for and more, was caring and tender, always put me as a priority, never insulted me or asked me for anything in return, just to be with him.'
...what else do you want from a man?
have you actually asked if he was happy? so far i see it's only your perception that he wasn't happy, because he never 'looked' happy.
i think it's time to live outside of your bubble, the ideal relationship doesn't exist. if you love him, and he wants to be with you, then be with him. look at what a man does and not what he says. if you're really afraid to 'get hurt' then don't bother, even if he loves you today doesn't mean he'll love you tomorrow. fantasising will only lead to disappointment.
it's easy for everyone to bash this idealism as 'asian' but regardless of culture, i don't think it's uncommon to have unrealistic expectations. they just have different ways of expressing it - holding handbags as a classic example. maybe asians like this overt sign that people can see ('look how much he loves me - he's carrying a handbag!'), but it's no different to western girls who like to receive a bouquet or jewellery (public display to show how much the man loves her).
i'm sure many women across the world feel this 'entitlement' or at least (secretly) wished to be treated like a princess as well. if some guy is willing to become her lapdog then who are we to judge?
Please support our advertisers:
Winnie the Pooh is a guy. Just saying.
Please support our advertisers:
"So I think if someone really loves me, he should love me regardless of what I say or do."
sorry honey, it doesn't work that way in life
you need to have some quality in yourself as well to be loved, you are not supposed to be loved just because you are a HK girl...
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail