Lying Husband

My post was deleted as I included an email address, my fault for not reading the rules clearly.


I'm re- posting it here again

Can someone please help me? I've been married for 18 yrs to the same man who travels alot for business. I've always trusted but him but long story short, I have found out that he has been having affairs on his trips. I have tons of evidence to show for it but he has denied every thing claiming innocence.


While he can't do much here in our home country, it looks like he's flying his mistress in to the countries he's at overseas.


He's been traveling through China since mid may and I found out that he was looking for an apartment in China for a husband and wife.


What he told me was he was staying in the apartment with a male business associate. He's currently staying at zhuguanggapopai apartments in Guangzhou


If anyone here is living in that area and can help me out, please PM me and I will provide more information.


All I need to know if he leaves or enters the apartment building with a woman.


He has destroyed this marriage without even a thought for me or our teenage daughter.


If anyone has any advice to offer, I will gladly listen

Tiredwife, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. This post might be deleted as well because you are asking strangers to do something that is not quite acceptable...possibly even illegal. How about hiring a private investigator?

My Hong kong, i realize that, put it down to pure desperation. I'm not sure how i can hire a PI from where I am right now and I don't even know if I can afford it as I have not been receiving financial support from my husband for a good 10 years now.

ai think I read here, about 3-4 years ago, about a female PI in Shenzhen (or GZ) who set up a business for exactly this reason. It may come up on a search of this site or a google search.


Even if the evidence is not admissible in a Singapore court, usually people fess up when confronted with the evidence.

Ok, so lets back up a bit here.


You're husband has not been supporting you financially for over 10 years now?


Are you guys separated or do you live together when you are in Singapore? Whats the story?


The reason I ask, is that if you have been separated but not divorced, and this has been the case for the last 10 years...then I don't know what angle you are going to have to go at this from.


Are you merely curious to get proof in addition to all the proof you do have? And if so why? For a divorce case? Or for peace of mind?


PI's are there and actually aren't nearly as expensive as you may think. Starting fees at around 6K (HKD) and then of course with expenses and depending on the tasks you need them to do, well, it adds up like any other job.

As ridiculous as it sounds, we live together, not separated. Some time back, he had financial setbacks and I decided to work and support myself as there were always big arguments about it when I brought it up, even after he got back on his feet again.


It's been this way since then with him constantly saying he's on his last dollar. Not true as he racks up huge bills overseas on his credit cards but always manages to pay them off. It's all hotel bills, bottles of liquor in clubs etc. He works in the entertainment industry so I haven't got a say here. and quite frankly, I've given up so long as he pays his share for out daughter's expenses


If I decide on a divorce, I don't want it to drag out, I'll need evidence to show that he contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.


It's been 3 years since I found a text message he sent (This is where it all started)to a woman asking her to get into a relationship with him. When I confronted him, his excuse was that he was trying to get her back with her husband (A friend of his!) and wanted to make him jealous. After that, I checked and found so many indications, from condoms to photos of other women and hundreds of text messages to same person. He has had an excuse for everything. Condoms in his bag? Holding them for a friend. Viagra? for a friend. Sending money to the same woman overseas? She works in his office overseas and it's salary.


I have since found another myspace and facebook profile he created and in it, he's constantly looking to hook up with women in whichever country he's in.


I'm still with him because of my daughter. But why else would I need evidence?

To make him admit to it, as he's been brushing me off as a silly woman with nothing better to do.


I will certainly consider the PI route if I can. Ah well, even if I did manage to catch him with another woman, he'll just say it's a business meeting.


Thanks all very much, for your advice

Dear TW,


I understand your desperation to know the truth. I went through the same thing with my ex. But you do know he is lying, you don't need evidence for that. He can lie all he likes but you just know.....However it really does sound like your relationship is over and you are not wanting to salvage it, and it doesn't sound like you should. You don't need evidence to divorce him on unreasonable grounds. Life is very short TW and you need to move away from him. He has to support your daughter no matter what your relationship is so why are you still there?? You are allowing him to have power over you by remaining in this situation....don't give him that! If he is not supporting you financially then get out. Your daughter is also in a horrible situation in the middle of all this. Get out and get on with your life and enjoy yourself instead of being upset and stressed about something that you cannot change. Why are you still with him, and living with him too?

"I'll need evidence to show that he contributed to the breakdown of the marriage."


Erm...you don't need evidence to want to end a marriage.


Thats what the whole "irreconciliable differences" thing is for.


Why do you need evidence? Isn't it a matter of what you want? If you want out of your marriage, you want out of your marriage, its not about who is to blame for it, you are unhappy, you intend on doing something to be happy. Its really simple.


Is there some law in singapore that doesn't allow you to divorce unless you have proof? Sounds to me like what you want it to have proof that you are not a fool or you are not paranoid...well, let me lay your fears to rest, you are not. You have more than enough evidence and if he denies it, don't go thinking that wasting your money hiring a PI to get further proof so you can go "YOU SEE?" to your husband is gonna make him throw up his hands and go "Ok, ok, you got me! I confess!"


You are in a horrible situation, I get that...but the root issue here is not that you need proof that it was him who contributed to the breakdown of your marriage...the root issue is your marriage is broken. What you intend to do from there will not be made easier with or without further proof. And you are right, even if a PI caught him in a meeting up with some floosie, he will claim its a business meeting. It would be a waste of money if you didn't need this for some big lawsuit.

Getting someone to check what is doing is silly. What would that prove. It would just be a game where you get other people to agree that he is awful, yet you are not going to do anything about it. I suggest that IF you want to see it all for yourself, you get out of your apartment and you go and find him yourself.


Still what will that achieve, your husband is treating you as a tired wife, truly, and has found someone else. He is probably just hanging in for your daughter to grow up and in the mean time enjoy his life as much as possible. I suggest you do the same thing.


Your husband is far more likely to respect you and be interested in you and focus on you if you are doing your own thing, and enjoying yourself. Though I am not sure if that matters.

Hi Tiredwife,

i understand you because i went through the same experienced with my husband. I hate it so much when his reason is "business" to our children when in fact i knew he was lying. Don't waste your money to get more evidence since they have thousands of reason to deny it (and it will just make you crazy). Trust in marriage is already broken and its up to you ignore his lying and keep the marriage for the sake of your daughter or leave him with your daughter and enjoy life.

He sounds like a total bum - up to his eyeballs in debt, trolling the internet for loose women, heavy spending on entertainment, setting up a love nest overseas. Must be the world’s worst husband.


Frankly, this all sounds too extreme to be true. And whenever I hear the “all their fault” tone I get suspicious. There is normally plenty of blame to go around in every marriage failure. Men rarely stray unless things are going badly at home.


Why are you looking for proof ? As has been pointed out already, you don’t need it. It seems more likely that you’re seeking moral justification for your own conscience sake.