Should we terminate our helper?

Our first helper has been with us for just over a month and my wife thinks it is not working out. We interviewed her at a local agency - she had come to HK on a tourist visa to look for work, said she had worked as a helper for two families in the Philippines and had a nursing degree. Initially we wanted someone with more experience, but she seemed intelligent and spoke good English. We thought this would be important for our baby's formative years.


My wife and I both work and the in-laws from China have been staying with us to care for the baby, now 6 months old. The idea was that we would first make sure that she could be trusted and gradually the in-laws could go back home. I am not even home during the day to see what's going on, but the feedback is that she is slow-paced, lacks common sense, makes decisions without asking (e.g. throwing things out) and shows no attention to detail. Didn't seem to have basic housekeeping skills, which calls into question her supposed experience. They also say she thinks too highly of herself, is greedy and seems dishonest. An example is that they asked her to use her own shampoo, and she showed them a bottle she had bought, but then continued to use their shampoo. Similar story with some snacks. Another example is that she takes her meals in her room, but comes out to the dining table to help herself to additional portions while my in-laws are eating, which is very un-maid-like.


Frankly, the only thing I care about is that she can be trusted to care for the baby, and that the baby likes her. The baby seems to like her fine. Have we reached a point to determine that she can't be trusted? I am not looking forward to making a replacement hire, since it will probably be another 2-3 months to get someone started and then another 2-3 months to deem them trustworthy.


If we need to replace her, how can we make @#$! sure that the next one is the right one?

Try living with the helper yourself (as if you're the in law from China) and form your own conclusion. I personally won't look for perfection.


The one thing that I think is serious in your post above is that she "seems" to be dishonest? The other things like eating in her room and taking some food from the family's table is not a big deal (at least to me and my family). You know, in many offices they offer free snacks and coffee or tea and other things to make their employees happy. Why not you? How much food consumed by the helper is too much?


The most important reason why you hired the helper is to care for your child, and this seems to be what she has done well. If you're a good manager, you're going to manage her deficiencies, and in the end if it still doesn't work, then it's time to let go. hth.

to me this story sounds like a quite common one with inlaws from China. basically they never trust a helper, find reasons why she is not good in order for her to be terminated and then present themselves as the only solution to take care of the baby - which is ultimately what they want since they can then stay in hong kong with their daughter.


your helper sounds quite ok actually. i would kick the inlaws out, trust your helper and then do occasional spot checks on her to enlargen your trust.

to me this story sounds like a quite common one with inlaws from China. basically they never trust a helper, find reasons why she is not good in order for her to be terminated and then present themselves as the only solution to take care of the baby - which is ultimately what they want since they can then stay in hong kong with their daughter.


terryll, cookie09 has hit the nail on the head. You need to do your own due diligence and sort out for yourself whether she is a keeper or whether you should let her go. Nothing from your description of the helper sounds to me like a terminatable offence.


I completely agree with cookie09, this is a common ploy with inlaws whether or not they want to do all the 'grunt' work in your home. If they do then they will complain and basically harrass the helper until she decides to leave herself or have you fire her, and that way they can then 'be the only good solution' and your saviour.


If they don't want to do the grunt work then they still will pick on the helper, so that they can have an excuse to be around to be 'supervising' 'the incompetent' help. I speak from experience. My best helper who has been with me now 5 years was accused by my MIL of being greedy (would eat 3 bowls of rice), insubordinate (would say to my MIL 'maam doesn't want baby to be rocked to sleep') and lazy (no matter how well she cleaned, MIL would always find a dirty or dusty spot somehwere). She was called stupid and a raft of other things. I didn't see it when I was around and then I told my MIL in no uncertain terms that I would not get rid of the helper. I also told her that I thought her attempts to dominate someone who was just trying her best to earn a crust was morally reprehensible and that she needed to rethink whether how she was behaving was very Christian. Needless to say the harrassment stopped. My MIL got out of my home. I am happier. My husband is happier. My helper has proven herself to be a star.


The food thing is a very Chinese thing. My inlaws always felt that anyone who ate more than them especially the help was 'greedy'. Different people have different appetites. I would hate to have someone scrutinze my eating habits as you would yours. In terms of the snacks, perhaps she thought she was welcome to them. In terms of the food, perhaps she hasn't been given enough food, perhaps that is the way she has been taught (to come to the table and take a little bit extra if she was still hungry). Tell her that she needs to eat after your inlaws eat and make sure they give her enough quality food (in some families the helper is only allowed rice and the soup bones and vegetables - a disgrace!) or better still, give her a food allowance.


At the rate you are going you will never end up with someone who will have initiative because the ideal person for your inlaws will be a mechanical robot who doesn't fight back, eats scraps and is there to do their beck and call and make them lord of the mansion. Judge for yourself. I feel for your helper actually. Good luck.

I am a domestic helper and has worked more than 21 years.

4 years in Saudi Arabia for 1 employer, 8 years in singapore for 1 employer and nearly 10 years in Hong Kong for 3 employers.

My first employer in hong kong (chinesse) often makes me sad and cry.

They are more believe to the-in-law compared to me as their helper.

Whatever I do is always wrong in the eyes of their in-law ..

and unfortunately my employer would not believe if I give proof of their lies.

so..I just shut up and believe that my God knows what I'm doing..

I stayed with this employer until 2 years ( finish the contract).

I tried to get along with them until 2 years because I really love their son.. I take care of their son ever since he was born.

Out from this chinesse employer ... I directly work for western employers ..

And I am grateful for the western employer because they treats me like their own family.

I just asked my employer to give a confidence to me as their maid because trust is very important in a working relationship.

I love my employer's family because they also respect me ...

So I guess try to give a confidence to your maid ...helper also human being and we pay agentcy and goverment is vey expensive for work in Hong kong...

I have to echo the sentiments here, having gone through a similar experience. We found that things improved remarkably with our helper once the in-laws left, as their constant criticism and fault finding of our helper were stressing out both the helper and my wife.


Try to take an objective look at the inlaws- are they sufficiently modern and flexible in their thinking for you to trust their assessments? If they are giving the helper directions, are they capable of constructive supervision or is their idea of supervision the same as constant criticism?


You and your wife are going to have to do your own assessment with the influence of the inlaws removed. If either of you are not working: If the inlaws are here from overseas, offer to send them on a nice package holiday as a gesture of appreciation for all their help. During this time, you or your wife can interact more with the helper and see how she is without interference from an external party.

That's a good one Jgl.